The Nitpick Express - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Hello there, Captain Tarpals. Meesa back!

No but seriously, it's time to check back in. The Nitpicker does not rest when there is nitpicking to be had! For those of you who read and enjoyed my nitpicking of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, I decided to move forward (naturally) and continue with the saga. Not only that, but I also decided to possibly expand out and nitpick other movies/franchises as well.

Star Wars Episode II has the distinction of being considered the worst in the saga, and disappointing fans even more than Episode I. Hokey dialogue, deadpan acting, goofy CGI; of course, if you've ever visited my blog in the past, you already know that. I have a feeling there's a plethora of things to tear into and to rip apart through the horrific act of nitpicking. Same deal as last time:

DISCLAIMER: Most of these nitpicks will be done for fun. Some of them are genuine complaints about the movie, but most of them will be just me being a dork. You'll be able to tell which ones.

THE NITPICK EXPRESS
presents
STAR WARS Episode II - Attack of the Clones

1. Title: Attack of the Clones, ehh? George has officially graduated from 1930's horror movie serials to 1950's science-fiction B-movies.
2. Pan Up: The only Star Wars movie to pan up after the crawl. It's throwing you curveballs and you haven't even seen anything yet.
3. "There Was No Danger At All": Saying shit like this should be banned in movies. It's like a summoning spell for the grim reaper. It's just like saying "It's quiet...too quiet." Next thing you know WHAM! Somebody's dead.
4. Decoy Voice: Early on, the decoy is shown to have Padme's voice, tricking the audience into thinking it really is Padme. Then while she's dying in Padme's arms, her voice is radically different. I think it would've been funny if the decoy died talking to Padme in Padme's own voice.
5. "I'm Sorry I Failed You": The decoy, who by now was more barbecued than the Sunday lunch menu at Outback Steakhouse, apologizes to Padme for 'failing her'. Wait, isn't that exactly what she was supposed to do? Die for Padme in her place? You know... like a DECOY?!
6. "I shouldn't have come back": An assassination attempt by way of ship explosion kills everyone in a Naboo cruiser, including the decoy. Padme runs up, watches her die, then reels back and says "I shouldn't have come back." Confusing to say the least. If she was summoned there, she has no choice but to be there. If she came there on her own free will, then your decoy did her job. Don't get so emotionally attached to things that are trained to die in your place.
7. Palpatine's Radical Aging: The first you see Palpatine in Episode II, he looks like he's eight-hundred years old. His skin is pale, the outlines of his eyes are red and he looks just overall unkempt. Star Wars canon will come to the rescue and blame that radical dark side aging, but I think maybe the make-up guy took the day off and George overlooked this during his period of CGI tampering. Speaking of which...
8. Computer Generated Shit: Episode I gets only somewhat of a free pass. Its computer graphics are a lot like the Nintendo 64. They were trying to be more than they could be, but they haven't aged well in the years since. Episode II on the other hand looks like a rerun of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. It was here that the CGI really got out of hand. This movie was built in a computer, produced in a computer, and I'm honestly surprised Lucas committed to continue using real actors. Every shot is more than fifty percent computer-generated, and the effects don't look near as good as the classic practical effects of the original trilogy.
9. Static Camera Shots: On top of the assness of the CGI, then we have the most boring display of cinematography in recent years. Sure most of the action scenes get some fun camera angles, but the dialogue scenes? It's just static camera shot, with actors walking and talking... standing and talking... or sitting and talking. It's not a very gripping experience, and somehow only Episode III is the other one to suffer with this, it feels like.
10. Yoda Gets Ignored: When Padme walks into the Chancellor's office, Yoda genuinely walks up to her and offers his support, saying that "seeing her alive brings warm feelings to his heart". She immediately blows him off and wonders who killed her. The bitch.
11. No Mystery Whatsoever: One of the funniest things about Episode II is also one of the worst things. The entire plot is solved in five minutes. When Padme wonders who tried to kill her, Mace Windu points out "disgruntled spice miners". Padme immediately blows him off too (the bitch) and immediately accuses Count Dooku, sight unseen. This wouldn't be such a big deal, except she's absolutely right. There; mystery solved, and there's still two hours left.
    
    What's even worse is that they decide not to tell Obi-Wan about who did it and send him off on the investigation anyway.
12. Thought of Losing You is Unbearable: Palpatine convinces Padme to go under protection of the Jedi by saying "the thought of losing her is unbearable". Having Palpatine say things we know are lies but overact whilst saying them is awkward to watch.
13. Mullet Man: Obi-Wan decided to grow a mullet since he got the braid cut off.
14. Hayden Christensen: I wonder what was on Hayden Christensen's acting resume that landed him this role. I've watched interviews with him speaking and emoting; either he can't act for the love of fuck or he can't stop acting. Almost like he's cursed to mumble his way through life. Mark Hamill suffered from the same thing during Return of the Jedi but at least it felt like Mark was trying. Couple that with cornhole, butt-ass dialogue and you've got the greatest character in the history of shitty cinema.
15. Senator Binks: Jar Jar's back, and now he's a senator in the Republic. First a general then a senator. That makes me want to stop the movie and go and do something constructive with my life. 
16. "Good to see you again, Jar Jar": Obi-Wan Kenobi is the perfect example of how you greet that annoying slut who treated you like shit in high school at your 30-year class reunion.
17. "Grown More Beautiful": When he meets Padme for the first time in ten years, Padme tells him that "he's grown". Anakin, in his romanticism that knows no bounds, responds with "So have you. Far more beautiful, I mean. For a Senator, I mean." Rave of the century. But OH WAIT, it gets better.
18. Tag-Team of Terrible: Obi-Wan and Anakin can't even keep it together for five seconds before they start arguing with each other. All because Anakin, we can assume, has the first boner of his life and Obi-Wan makes him feel like less of a man
19. Anakin the Diva: Anakin gets all bent out of shape and whines to Jar Jar just because Padme didn't like his stupid-shit pickup line, if you can even call what he said a pickup line. I have theories as to why that is: 1) Somebody tried killing her that day, so she's a little on edge, or 2) You're a fucking creep sporting 24/7 rape-face. 
20. Try something more subtle: Jango Fett tells his cohort that since the ship explosion didn't work, they'll have to "try something more subtle". Wears a jetpack with a helmet carrying at least thirty pounds of artillery and this guy wants to talk about subtly. What's his master back-up plan of subtly? Poisonous worms. Just bomb the apartment, you fucking nimrod.
21. "I don't think she liked me watching her": Well who would you horny, awkward goober?!
22. Subtle jabs: When Obi-Wan tells Anakin that Anakin's senses aren't as in-tune as his, Anakin calls him out on it. Are you serious? What are you, a walking insecurity?
23. Anakin has ADD: Anakin can't focus on one conversation topic for more than twenty seconds. In a span of about two minutes, Anakin goes from talking about why he can't sleep, to his mother, to dreaming about Padme, to how Obi-Wan's wrong about Palpatine.
24. Haphazard lightsaber: So when Anakin senses the poisonous worms ready to kill Padme, he runs into her room, immediately ignites his lightsaber and kills them each with a swing of the blade. How did he not be aware of the fact she could lurch, move or even twitch at any moment? What a twist the movie would take if he took a swing at a worm and cut off Padme's torso.
25. Swan dive out the window: Obi-Wan shows a lapse in judgment by full-on diving out of bajillionth-story window, just to latch onto the droid that delivered the poisonous worms to Padme's apartment. What if he missed? Anakin couldn't get to a speeder in time before Obi-Wan just splats on the sidewalk.
26. Grand Theft Anakin: Anakin, to chase after his master, steals a speeder. What's worse is he didn't even get any star wanted level for it.
27. "I couldn't find a speeder I really liked": When Obi-Wan asks Anakin what kept him, Anakin replies that he couldn't find a speeder he really liked. I think this was just a joke by Anakin to bust Obi-Wan's balls, but with his deadpan delivery you really can't tell, because then he goes on and on about it having the wrong features and the wrong color. The joke was dead-on-arrival, Anakin. Drop it.
28. Anakin is ready for death: As they hurtle downwards toward a giant ship, Obi-Wan begs Anakin to pull up so they don't crash and die in a blaze of glory. What's Anakin doing diving towards this fate? Laughing. For no other reason other than he's a prick.
29. Power couplings: During the chase, Anakin follows the runaway assassin through an electrical fence. As they're being electrocuted, Obi-Wan asks Anakin how many times he has to tell him not to do that. Lucas would call this recklessness, I call it being a dipshit.
30. "This is a shortcut": Anakin purposefully ditches the assassin's tail, he talks about how he's taking a shortcut, but follows it up with "...I think". Obi-Wan must be proud to fly with such an ignoramus as a Padawan.
31. "If you'll excuse me": ...and just as Obi-Wan is chastising him for losing the assassin's trail, Anakin spots the assassin's speeder out of a crowd of about ten million speeders, leaps out of his speeder and plummets toward the ground. What tops this childish, over-the-top attempt at being a badass? Obi-Wan commenting "I hate it when he does that", meaning Anakin must try and kill himself on a regular basis.
32. Defying physics: Anakin not only doesn't hit terminal velocity falling toward the surface, but when he lands on the assassin's speeder he doesn't even break one bone. Star Wars fans would then use canon to explain how he did it. I still call bullshit because, as Spock once said, "Even logic must give way to physics".
33. Butterfingers: Anakin doesn't tussle with the assassin ten seconds before losing his lightsaber and watching it fly away from him. Anakin's grip is about as tight as Jenna Jameson's asshole. Luckily Obi-Wan somehow found them, caught up to them, and catches Anakin's lightsaber out of midair simply by putting his hand up for it.
34. Man of steel: To end the chase, Anakin slides off of the enemy's speeder, falls a good forty-to-fifty feet before landing on the ground and tumbling into a bunch of solid crates. How does Anakin shrug off such a painful fall? By mildly gesturing that he has a tummy-ache. My God, it's like his acting its so bad, it's created an impenetrable shield for him.
35. Ill-timed lecture: Just as Anakin follows the assassin into a nightclub, Obi-Wan finds him and begins lecturing him about why he's a dill hole and tells him to stop losing his shit over meaningless things. Obi-Wan couldn't wait until after the assassin's captured to be a parent about everything?
36. "You're going to be the death of me": As they enter the nightclub, Obi-Wan asks Anakin why he feels like Anakin is going to be the death of him. It's supposed to be funny because Vader kills Obi-Wan on the Death Star two movies from now. Contrary to what George Lucas's yes-man subordinates tell him, this lazy attempt at foreshadowing is unnecessary.
37. Elan Sleazebaggano: While Obi-Wan forces Anakin to hunt for the assassin, he enjoys a drink at the bar. There, some low-life Teen-Wolf wannabe asks him if he wants to buy "death sticks". While I do find the scene pretty funny, the dude literally has "sleazebag" in his name. It's like Lucas was on a deadline for creating the character so he just threw a couple letters onto an adjective and said "Boom! Last name."
38. "Jedi business": After Obi-Wan publicly disarms the assassin, literally, Anakin turns to the onlookers and actually says "Jedi business, go back to your drinks". It's too adorable, almost like if walked up to a bunch of 5th graders pummeling a 3rd grader, and one turned to me and said "Playground kickball business, go back to your grown-up stuff".
39. "Who hired you?": Outside the club, the two Jedi query the assassin as to who hired her. Just before a convenient toxic dart of convenience kills her, she mentions that a bounty hunter did. Question: Why would a bounty hunter, someone who makes money capturing/killing people, hire somebody kill somebody else? Either Jango Fett is just plain lazy or he's actually a pretty shitty bounty hunter.
40. "...not to start an investigation": Not twenty minutes ago, Obi-Wan tells Padme that he and Anakin "are there to protect her, not to start an investigation". Yet now he's all of a sudden concerned with who hired the assassin and who's trying to kill Padme? Pick a mission objective and stick to it, man.
41. Yoda the Pimp: During the Jedi council scene where they're given assignments, Yoda assigns Anakin the job of watching over and protecting Padme. Yoda knows how to hook a brother up.
42. Representative Binks: Padme decides that in her absence, she's going to doom the galaxy by leaving Jar Jar in charge of her senator position while she goes into hiding. If she truly wanted ruin the galaxy, she couldn't have done a better job.
43. Anakin the Backstabber: While preparing to leave and go into hiding together, Anakin decides to throw Obi-Wan under the bus and blames his inadequacies on him, all while Padme just awkwardly packs her bags. He's been back with her for one day and all of a sudden feels comfortable enough to unload all of his insecurities on her. Padme is so blessed.
44. Obi-Wan the Backstabber: At that same moment in the Jedi temple, Obi-Wan tells his masters that Anakin will probably let them down because his abilities have made him arrogant and he feels as though Anakin isn't ready for his first assignment on his own. He's probably worried about who'll protect Padme while she's sleeping.
45. "Don't Do Anything Without Asking Me": Before he departs, Anakin is lectured by Obi-Wan "not to do anything without first consulting himself or the counsel". Normally, I'd harp on Obi for coming off like a worry-wart parent, but Anakin probably needed to be told that.
46. Betting on Failure: It kinda takes the gravity away from the situation when both Obi-Wan and Captain whatshisname both bet that either Padme or Anakin (or both) are going to royally fuck things up.
47. Padme's Inconsistency: As they walk to their transport, Anakin and Padme both relate how their scared since they're on their own. This makes no sense since Padme's already been the queen of a planet, dealt with legislation, politics, invasions, and bloodthirsty viceroys. I think she'll be okay.
48. "Don't Worry, We Have R2": Following that, Padme then says "don't worry, we have R2 with us" and they share a laugh. If R2 could speak English, I feel like he'd respond with something to the effect of "Go fuck yourself, you over-glorified queen dropout."
49. 1950's in Space: To start his investigation, Obi-Wan stops off in the Star Wars equivalent of a 50's greaser diner. It's like George never stopped making the sequel to American Graffiti.
50. Jawa Juice: What the fuck is 'Jawa Juice'? It's either 'juice from Jawas' or 'juice of Jawas'. No, you know what? I don't care what it is. I don't want it.
51. Dexter Jettster: Aside from having a stupid name, on par with "Elan Sleazebaggano", Obi-Wan's friend is a fat fuck burger flipper who also knows about the cloners on Kamino and how they operate. The only thing missing is if after Dex gives Obi-Wan the information, he asked "would you like fries with that?" As in prequel tradition, the CGI is absolute garbage, but that fits Dex's character nicely. So...its artsy? I guess?
52. A Deleted Planet: Obi-Wan is later seen perusing the Jedi archives and found that somebody deleted Kamino. When Obi-Wan goes to assume that it's been deleted, the Jedi librarian ("Jedibrarian", if you will) tells him that the planet he's looking for doesn't exist. So Dexter Jettster knows of Kamino, but the Jedi, force-sensitive beings of great knowledge, don't? Suck my balls.
53. "If it is not in our system, it doesn't exist": What an egotistical bitch. I hate the librarian. She's just all like "if it's not in our search results, it doesn't exist". It's like something Google would say if it became a totalitarian regime that became drunk with power.
54. Lake Country on Naboo: Padme can afford a nice-ass apartment as well as a mansion lodge in the lake country of Naboo. I don't know what a Senator makes a year, but concerning the layout and décor of her homes, she's either laundering money or she's extremely overpaid. Being a politician, she's no doubt corrupt in some way.
55. Anakin Doesn't Like Sand: Just after they arrive at Padme's beach resort, Padme entertains Anakin with a 'riveting' story about how she used to swim in the lake and lie in the sand to guess names of birds. Anakin, in his awkward, stupid-ass charm that continues to baffle and appall me, responds with the following:
    

    "I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like you. You're everything soft and smooth."

    
    Even if this was an honest-to-God attempt from Lucas, that has to be one of the cheesiest, stupidest, most-laughable try-to-get-in-her-pants comeback lines I've ever heard, movie or not. Anakin may only be nineteen, but most nineteen year olds I know don't even talk like that. Granted they talk even lamer, but that's not the point. The point is that if Anakin doesn't have anything intelligible to say, he shouldn't say anything at all. In fact, didn't Obi-Wan warn Anakin to check with him or the council before he did anything? He should've jolly-well asked the council if he could say that line. I guarantee you Mace Windu would've brain-scrambled him with the force.
56. Obi-Wan, Private-Eye: Since the librarian mistreated him, Obi-Wan goes to Yoda with a question as to where the planet Kamino may be. They display a load of stars in the room and Obi-Wan points to a group of stars orbiting some force in the galaxy. Then, neither Obi-Wan or Yoda can deduce that the planet was erased. It takes one of the toddler Jedi to tell them that. Are these two even trying?!
57. Padme Regrets It: During the flight to Naboo, Anakin and Padme share a meal on a cramped refugee freighter. During this whole meal, Padme eats her food and Anakin watches Padme eat her food. With each passing moment, Padme must consider gassing herself on Naboo more and more.
58. Force is Non-Existent: Wouldn't a large, albeit hidden clone facility trigger something in the Force that the Jedi could detect? I feel like such a large concentration of life would give off some kind of trigger.
59. Democratic Monarchy: When Padme and Anakin land on Naboo, she starts telling the story about how her term as Queen ended. She was a Queen that was elected democratically. You know, I once had an idea for a democratic monarchy to make things as different as possible in a story I was writing. Granted, I was in the third grade, but still...
60. Belitting Anakin: When they have their meeting with the current "Queen" (because she's elected), 'invasion crackpot' man from Phantom Menace asks Anakin what "Master Jedi's opinion" is. Without even skipping a beat, Padme shuts him down and belittles Anakin by saying he is only a Padawan.
61. In charge of security: Anakin tries to stick up for himself, saying he's the chief of security. Padme just blows him off and returns to her prior conversation. The bitch.
62. Padme's First Time: During another scene that is oddly romantic, considering what we've had, Padme starts telling Anakin about "her first time". This is a little off-putting for a Star Wars movie, but it's made even worse by Padme mentioning that she was twelve. Let's just pray to whatever God Lucas does that it wasn't statutory.
63. Dinner table Antics: It must be a gimmick in the Star Wars prequels to not have a single dinner-table scene without it going awry or getting painfully quirky for no reason. This time, it's Anakin using the Force to move a pear off of Padme's plate (Douche), cut it into pieces, and then float a piece back over to her. Okay?
64. The Romantic Schlock: By this point, I'm willing to accept that Lucas is trying his hardest. I for one, admit that I cannot write romantic dialogue to save my life. It's harder than you think. Still, the romance in Attack of the Clones is on par with an episode of ThunderCats. As usual, most of the painful, utterly unbearable speech is spewed from Anakin's noise hole. When trying to convince Padme to grant him access to the interior of her trousers, Anakin literally says

    "I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating... hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... what can I do?"

    His intentions are good, his heart's in the right place, but Lucas's method for screenwriting is on par with tossing a grenade down a gopher hole and "seeing what happens". Plus his directing of live-action actors has the ability to turn Shakespearean stage actors into JCPenney mannequins. As a whole, the prequels serve as proof that Lucas has excellent story ideas, but they're executed poorly when he has total control. Basically, if I were to present a Microsoft PowerPoint over why Lucas should only write story treatments and executive produce projects instead of writing the scripts and directing them, I'd present this scene.
65. The Kaminoans: These aliens are cool, but the setting is blinding. Half the time I watch movies in the dark and when this part comes on, with all that blinding light, I squint through the first part.
66. Sifo-Dyas: Jedi master Sifo-Dyas was named as the guy who made the order for the Clone Army of the Republic. Originally, that was just going to be an alias of Darth Sidious, covering his own ass. Simple, but effective. I like it. Then they decided to have the blasted Expanded Universe and The Clone Wars elaborate on him and build him up as his own character. Now it's "Too painfully elaborate, but still somehow effective."
67. Side-Mystery: Speaking of which, now we're an hour in and you're caking another mystery on top of this cryptic pie of convolutedness? Seems okay, if we still cared.
68. Boba fucking Fett: No. No. I refuse. What's the best way to ruin the backstory of a character who's only saving grace was that you knew nothing about his past and therefore, it made him a cooler character? Well, to show you more of his past, you idiot! Boba Fett, the badass bounty hunter who worked with Darth Vader to capture Han Solo at Cloud City, was a clone that the DNA loaner Jango Fett ordered for himself to raise as his son. Now I'll agree with anyone who says Boba Fett sucks.
69. Rick McCallum the Know-Nothing: In Googling opinions on Boba's inclusion to Episode II, I came across a quote by producer Rick McCallum, who, while promoting the movie I guess, said something to the effect of "You get to understand Boba's relentlessness and how he's so obsessed with destroying every part of the Skywalker family."
    
    Mmkay, well that's just simply wrong. He's so preoccupied with Boba's ability to sell merchandise that he forgot the main purpose of the character was to be a front-and-center, runt-of-the-mill bounty hunter who wanted nothing to do with Skywalker. You get to know that because his role in Return of the Jedi was severely marginalized and he was eaten by the Sarlacc. He wasn't supposed to be anything special, he was just someone that inadvertently became badass because of his lack of a backstory. A backstory that Episode II supplied for literally no reason.
70. Lack of Action: We're only halfway through the movie, and by now you're probably noticing something that's missing. Action. This is quite frankly the most boring, slow-paced, mind-numbing entry in the Star Wars saga. I used to hate watching really slow, romantic movies as a kid and bragged about how something as cool as Star Wars wasn't ever going to be like that. Then Attack of the Clones happened and I got to eat my foot for breakfast the next day.
71. Jango Fett: When Obi-Wan first meets Jango, they talk to each other like two passive aggressive cheerleaders fighting to be cheer captain. They just size each other up again and again. They aren't trying to move the plot along, they're just seeing who has the bigger dick.
72. Diminishing Powers: Just after a conference with Obi-Wan, Mace Windu and Yoda agree that their abilities to use the Force are "diminishing". Since it's something they don't really elaborate on further, this movie or III, I assume this was just a quick jump-to-the-gun to try and  explain why they can't sense that Palpatine's evil.
73. Anakin the Mission-Aborter: Anakin has a nightmare about his mother being in pain and at the flick of the wrist, he decides to ditch the first mission of his career and go to save a woman he hasn't seen in ten years. Padme's just all like "Yeah sure, let's go". At least she's understanding.
74. Obi-Wan vs. Jango: Obi-Wan and Jango finally have a fight whenever the Jedi council requests Obi bring him in for questioning. The fight feels awkward. It literally feels like both of them are trying to fight on a greased-up tile floor with hands dipped in butter. I get that it's because it's raining, but it just feels 'off'.
75. Watto: I'm all for including Watto in more movies. He's too much of a comedic dud to leave out. Plus the fact that he tries to hire Anakin as a loan shark enforcer is hilarious.
76. Owen's Memory: When we get to the Lars farm, we find C-3PO is working there, tending to moisture vaporators. This is a nice induction for him, except it totally shits on the scene in Star Wars where Owen buys C-3PO from the Jawas. How, in the name of fuck, does Owen not remember him working there? I get that multiple C-3PO's exist (i.e. TC-14 from Phantom Menace) but his voice is the same. The exact same. Every time we see a different C-3PO-esque protocol droid they have a different voice. Owen's a dumbfuck and George should be ashamed for ruining that. I get that he hates the original trilogy, but come on!
77. Advanced Aging: So Owen and Beru are 'first introduced' in Attack of the Clones. Owen appears to be in his late 20's/early 30's and Beru appears to be early 20's or even late teens. In Star Wars, they both appear to have aged atrociously. Owen goes from in his prime to senior citizen in 20 years, as does Beru. Must be the two suns.
78. No Padme Left Behind: In his hunt to find his mother, Anakin just leaves Padme behind with people she doesn't know. Or he doesn't even fucking know, for that matter. On top of that, he says "These are good people, Padme. You'll be safe here." First off, if they're bad people, they're not going to say it off of the bat unless they're clinically insane. Secondly, Anakin just met these people. How the hell does he know these people are good people? Seems like a hasty justification just to dump Padme on the sand farmers.
79. Anakin is Vader Reminder #7726: In case you forgot that Anakin is going to eventually become Darth Vader, Lucas sticks in another reference to the fact by not-so-subtly making Anakin's shadow on the homestead appear to be Vader.
80. Asteroids!: The asteroid battle is pretty cool. The physics-shattering "seismic charges" kick some ass. 
81. Anakin the Mass Murderer: Anakin locates Shmi in a Tusken Raider camp. She's barely alive but shares her final moments with him. Telling him that he looks handsome, she soon dies in his arms. What a way to go out. Done in by Tusken Raiders. Shame. How does Anakin react? A solemn cry during a walk back to the Lars farm? Nope. The slaughtering of an entire tribe of Tusken Raiders. Jesus...
82. Geonosis: Saturn has a twin brother named Geonosis that exists in the Star Wars universe. In typical Star Wars fashion, it appears to be hot and sandy.
83. Techno Union: I envision something called "The Techno Union" to be less of a formidable evil force in Star Wars and more of a coalition to restore the validity of techno pop music.
84. Obi-Wan Impossible: When he lands on Geonosis, Obi-Wan decides to infiltrate the CIS's evil cave and spy on meetings from the rafters like Ethan Hunt. Queue the sneak music! *Dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun-dun*.
85. Nute Gunray: I don't understand why this fuckin' guy had to come back. I really don't. The secondary end-all, be-all bad guy of the prequels should not be some microwave melted toad.
86. Christopher Lee: Anything that has Christopher Lee, even the crappiest piece-of-shit schlock in existence, gets an automatic grade of at least a "D" in my book. This movie is no exception.
87. Obi-Wan's capture: Obi-Wan, a skilled Jedi Knight who fought off droidekas as a Padawan, gets captured and overtaken by one and a Geonosian. Why bother capturing him? Why not just kill him?
88. It's All Obi-Wan's fault: Before Obi-Wan gets captured, Anakin starts whining that the fact he couldn't save his mother "is all Obi-Wan's fault". It's like blaming your 2nd grade teacher for your dog dying. I get that he's supposed to be "blinded by rage" but this is pushing it. This also further throws a veil over old Ben Kenobi's "and he was a good friend" remark. Anakin actually seems like a backstabbing weasel to me.
89. I Killed Them: Anakin then breaks down and tells Padme that he killed the entire Tusken Raider camp that stole his mother. He breaks down and sits against he counter. Rather than cuffing Anakin to a sewer pipe and calling 9-1-1, she just kneels down beside him and comforts him. I think his insanity is starting to rub off on her.
90. Not-so-subtle bad guy: Blueface McHornhead, after witnessing Obi-Wan's capture, turns to the party in the office and says flat-out "This is an outrage. The senate must vote emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine!" Subtle. He even tops it by nonchalantly saying "If only senator Amidala were here" in terms of proposing the radical constitutional amendment. He's so sneaky in pushing his boss's evil deeds across. Which leads me to...
91. Jar Jar Fucks the Galaxy: George just couldn't resist, could he? In yet another Senate scene, Mace Windu walks up and witnesses Jar Jar Binks proposing the radical amendment that'll give Palpatine emergency powers to create a Clone Army of the Republic. Un-fucking-believable. Jar Jar gets the last laugh. You know it was Lucas's idea, too. Like "Oh what's that? You hate my treasured comedic creation? Well now he's the one responsible for the original trilogy! Mwahahahaha" and goes cackling off into the sunset.
92. Without saying goodbye: After receiving Obi-Wan's distress call, Padme and Anakin split from Tatooine and take off for Geonosis without even saying goodbye to Anakin's extended family, but also stealing their droid.
93. Dooku: I mentioned earlier that Christopher Lee has a role in this movie, as the elderly Sith Lord Count Dooku, a name that harkens back to Lee's days playing Dracula. Still, the name is redundant. His usual Sith moniker is "Darth Tyrannus", so why go by Count Dooku? What's his real name? On top of that, I get that Christopher Lee is badass, even in advanced age (hell, he played Saruman in the latest Hobbit movie in his mid-90s), but still, couldn't Palpatine pick a younger candidate? Why pick one who's so ancient and moves like he's got arthritis?
94. Every Baddie in the Book: So Dooku has Obi-Wan imprisoned and during the spiel he offers Obi-Wan the chance to join him, which Obi-Wan declines. Using the "hero turns down the bad guy's request to join him" cliche thus further turns Star Wars into a Saturday morning cartoon re-run of The Super Friends.
95. Qui-Gon, the Trainee: Dooku then reveals that "Qui-Gon would've joined him". When Obi-Wan attempts to refute that, Dooku explains that Qui-Gon was his apprentice at one point. A needless twist since, you know, Qui-Gon's dead.
96. Jedi Awareness: When Dooku rips the veil off of Darth Sidious's (Palpatine's) presence in the Senate, Obi-Wan rebuffs it saying "the Jedi would be aware of it". Bullshit. Given half the shit that's happened that they couldn't foresee, I'm gonna have to disagree with Obi-Wan there.
97. Droid Factory: When Anakin and Padme go to rescue Obi-Wan, they enter a large droid factor hidden beneath the surface of Geonosis. Yet another thing those Force-sensitive gurus decide to overlook.
98. Geonosian Blasters: What exactly does a Geonosian blaster rifle fire? It makes a funky-ass sound and it doesn't even look like a solid burst of energy. Looks more like a green gust of wind, like the cartoonish depiction of a fart.
99. Padme, the Useless: Anakin's really the only one who puts up any kind of a fight during the droid factory battle. Padme kind of just runs around, dodges heavy machinery and falls on stuff.
100. R2-D2's Boosters: George sure is the champion of retroactively fucking himself. I mean seriously, what the shit? During the droid factory shootout, R2-D2 activates rocket boosters in his legs and floats across the factory. What the fucking fuck?! When did he ever have those? Wouldn't those have come in handy in the original trilogy, in at least a few instances?! Why the hell did he stop using them? Did he forget how? Did he lose them? If there is even a single hint of a fucking expanded universe explanation to cover George's ass on this lapse-in-judgment, I'm tossing my laptop out the window.
101. C-3PO's Comedy School: Also during the factory shootout, C-3PO decides to dust himself off and try his hand at being a slapstick routine again. It works for two seconds, then you realize you're laughing at Anthony Daniels outright despising the fact that he came back for the prequels and not at C-3PO's shenanigans.
102. Knock His Block Off: As part of his slapstick, C-3PO gets his head knocked off and replaced with a droid's head. His head just so happens to land on a droid head's assembly line where it's place on a droid's body. i think we need a whole 'nother hour of C-3PO getting his ass handed to him by heavy machinery, who's with me?
103. Anakin's Breaks His Lightsaber: Anakin gets overwhelmed by bad guys, seeing as he's the only good guy really doing anything, and gets his lightsaber chopped in half by assembly blades. When he realizes he's fucked, he pouts and says "Oh man, not again. Obi-Wan's gonna kill me." He sounds like a kid who has to repeat the 8th grade and wonders what's gonna happen when his parents find out.
104. Padme Catches the Romance Bug: After they're captured, Padme confesses that she loves Anakin. She doesn't just love him, she "truly, deeply" loves him. This is actually a good attempt on Natalie's part, but it just tries so hard to tie a bow on the build up to them actually falling in love. Like, the scenes prior to this were so clunky, robotic and ridiculous that even after this well-acted delivery, you still don't really buy that they're in love. Anakin acted like a horny chowder head the whole time and Padme, for the most part, was a self-centered bitch that cared little for his feelings until she found out that he systematically killed living creatures in revenge for killing his mother... Ugh.
105. Forgotten Force #1: You guys know what would have helped Anakin and Padme escape the chariot and overwhelm the guards just before being escorted out to the arena, thus giving them the element of surprise on fighting Dooku and Gunray? The Force.
106. Obi-Wan the Sarcastic: As they're hauled out to be executed in the arena, Anakin and Padme are chained next to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan asks if they even got his message, to which Anakin replies that he did and he forwarded it just as Obi-Wan requested, deciding to come rescue him as well. Obi-Wan brushes it off and sarcastically says "good job." It makes me chuckle every time.
107. "I have a bad feeling about this": Usually this line is uttered once in every Star Wars film. This time, Anakin decides to say it right as creatures are coming to eat him. Do you have a bad feeling, Anakin? Do you really?
108. Obi-Pun Kenobi: As Padme picks her lock and climbs her spire, Obi-Wan tells Anakin not to panic and to use the Force. Anakin asks "What about Padme?" and Obi-Wan responds "She seems to be on top of things" just as she reaches the top. God bless you Ewan McGregor.
109. Forgotten Force #2: You guys know what would have helped Obi-Wan and Anakin undo the shackles and release themselves and Padme so that they wouldn't be so easily beaten? The Force.
110. Padme's Master Balance: Some kind of satanic cat climbs Padme's spire and scratches her back. The spire is freakishly thin and the cat scratched with some force. Somehow, Padme didn't fall to her death.
111. Forgotten Force #3: You guys know what would have crippled the creatures or at least held them at bay while Obi-Wan, Anakin and Padme are fighting and waiting for Mace Windu to arrive? The Force.
112. Purple Lightsaber: When you go online and read the story of Samuel L. Jackson requesting a purple-colored lightsaber for Mace Windu, it makes it go from "ridiculous" to "awesome" in a matter of seconds.
113. Super Battle Droids: Just to sell more toys, George introduces "Super" Battle Droids.What makes them super? Rapid firing wrist blasters along with a bulkier design? Makes sense, except they're still no match for Jedi or soon, clone troopers.
114. Useless Jedi: During the Jedi battle, you meet some Jedi that kick some ass and slice up some droids. Others of the Jedi, not so much. There are some Jedi who don't even bother fighting back before they're killed. 
115. No Shooting: During the skirmish, Nute Gunray orders Jango to shoot Padme because their plans aren't working. For whatever reason, Dooku rebuffs him and simply assures him "she will die". Uh, not if you keep enacting plans, you asshole. Jango would just need thirty seconds to fly over and pop her in the head.
116. C-3PO Antics #2: In case the factory antics didn't have you ROTFL, both the C-3PO with the droid head and droid with the C-3PO head are back and just as bland as ever.
117. Je-Die: When the droids cease fire, only a handful of Jedi are left. Close to three hundred Jedi down to about twelve. Great plan, Windu, you dimwitted cocksucker.
118. "This is Such a Drag": When R2 pulls C-3PO's head off of the battle droid's body and drags it back to his body, C-3PO says "this is such a drag". *Sigh*
119. Off With His Head: Mace Windu literally decapitates Jango Fett. It's badass, except in the next movie Anakin will try and tell you that it's 'not the Jedi way'. Who's really at fault, here?
120. Silent Approach: Just as the droids are about to gun down the rest of the Jedi and Padme, they are greeted by thousands of arriving clones. All those ships and blasters don't make a peep until they're right on top of the Colosseum.
121. Anakin the Tactical: During the flyaway, Anakin has to tell a combat pilot wear to aim missiles to down a Techno-Union ship. I thought these clones were brought up with combat expertise?
122. CG Clones: I don't think a single one of these damn clones are live actors.
123. Out of Rockets: When the clone ship finds Dooku and gives chase, Anakin yells "shoot him down!" to which the clone pilot responds with "we're out of rockets". On screen, you've only fired 4-6 rockets. PACK MORE FUCKING ROCKETS.
124. Indestructible Spine: When the gunship gets hit by a blaster, Padme falls 50-60 feet to a sand dune and lands flat on her back. That should've snapped her spine like a twig and left her a "parapleg-erino" as our good buddy Ned Flanders would say. Yet a few shots later she gets up and brushes it off like she tripped and fell into a sandbox. 
125. Unlucky Gunship: Immediately after Anakin and Obi-Wan disembark to chase Dooku, their gunship is shot down by droids. 
126. LeRoy Jenkins Skywalker: Right as they find Dooku, Anakin taps his inner LeRoy Jenkins and charges Dooku like a numbnuts. Naturally, he gets electrocuted and tossed aside. Obi-Wan's probably kicking himself as to what a shit teammate he has.
127. Obi-Wan's Downgraded Swordplay: Remember Obi-Wan's fast-paced, intense swordplay against a young and agile Darth Maul with a double-sided lightsaber? Well get ready to watch Obi-Wan get toyed with and struggle to keep up with an old man, who decides to cut his leg and arm just to be evil.
128. Double Lightsa--, oh: When Anakin starts his second duel with Dooku, Obi-Wan tosses him a lightsaber so he can have two! It's awesome for the eight seconds he gets two, because Dooku just cuts one in half and leaves him with just one again.
129. Darkened Room Lightshow: When Anakin kills the power to the hangar, he and Dooku engage in a lightsaber duel in the dark. The camera cuts to closeups of their duel, which just shows the two of them spinning their blades around and post-production inserting awkward bursts of light and saber crashing sounds to save them.
130. Yoda's Mini Lightsaber: You'd want Yoda having a lightsaber custom-fit to his size to be cool, but instead it looks adorable.
131. Much to Learn: During their dick-measuring contest, Yoda tells Dooku that he still has much to learn. How much more? He's like, a hundred years old.
132. Yoda-Jitsu: Yoda invented his own method of lightsaber fighting; jump-spinning like a crack-addicted acrobat, bouncing off walls and spinning your lightsaber so fast that it looks like a Christmas light display.
133. "My Old Padawan": Yoda refers to Dooku as "my old Padawan", further giving fans a backtrack of all Master-Padawan matchups from Yoda to Anakin.
134. Dook Move: In an attempt to end the duel and escape, Dooku starts a pillar falling over that Yoda can only stop by retracting his lightsaber and putting forth his entire effort into saving them, so so Dooku can run like a little wuss.
135. No Pain:  Throughout the ordeal, Anakin takes losing his arm pretty well.
136. Coruscant Ghetto: Coruscant has a Ghetto, and sure enough that's where all the Sith meet to do their Sith deeds.
137. "The Force is With Us, Lord Sidious": What a goofy-butt way to say hi to your boss. That's like me fixing computers and then coming out of the workshop like "The RAM is with us, big bossman."
138. "Everything is proceeding...": In Return of the Jedi, an elderly Emperor tells Vader that "everything is proceeding as he has forseen". In Attack of the Clones, that line is practically copied over, though Lucas saved it by having him say "everything is going as planned". Shrewd.
139. Imperial March: Attack of the Clones contains one of John Williams' signature tracks in "Darth Vader's theme", also known commonly as "The Imperial March". Though it's a weak rendition, it still merits bonus points.
140. Anakin's Freaky Robot Hand: The love and tenderness of the wedding scene at the end gets a hiccup when we see Anakin's skeletal robot hand holding Padme's real hand. Eeeeek.
141. C-3PO feels the love: As Padme and Anakin make-out, C-3PO turns to R2-D2 and puts his arm on his dome. Back off C-3PO, R2 don't swing that way.
142. Directed by George Lucas: ...and so ends the weakest Star Wars film. Finally.

142 nitpicks? Awful, but even still, I was most definitely expecting higher than that. Kudos Attack of the Clones, I can't nitpick you as hard as I thought I could. See you all next time in the next exciting entry of "The Nitpick Express"!

Star Wars Episode VIII Has a Title...

...and it's pretty bland. That's fine though, most of the Star Wars titles are vague and bland. The only one that feels original or sounds cool is The Empire Strikes Back. The other sound stock or cliché. Not to rob from the movies (I've done that enough already) but the titles were pretty meh. Now that's not to say they suck, because they're all really good titles that at least sort of detail what's going to happen in the movies.

Star Wars title announcements are an event every time they happen. Almost as much as the actual movies coming out themselves. Every time a Star Wars title gets announced, it's big news. Seriously, scroll down you're news feed, you'll see: "Donald Trump", "shooting", and "Star Wars".

Well today, January 23rd, 2017, Episode VIII has finally got it's title, and here it is:

That's a pretty weak title. Then again, it could be a very good title. It sort of throws up the arms in terms of following Return of the Jedi, because the Jedi returned and now we're on our last one. So, somewhere, somehow the Jedi returned and then disappeared. My question is that if Luke is figurative "Return" of the Jedi, than Luke is also the "Last" of the Jedi. Unless, it's Rey they're referring to, which sucks because now we know they're going to kill Luke off or at least he's going to die somehow. Rey's okay I guess, but she shouldn't be the be-all, end-all hero of Star Wars. In my humble, elitist opinion, I prefer Luke. Luke Skywalker has been groomed to be the hero of Star Wars. Luke had to overcome a lot of adversity in the original trilogy to get where he's at, too. Rey didn't have to do shit but mimic Luke's adversities, except she got the Force powers right away. ("Reincarnation of Anakin", don't fail me now).

What I do not care for is copying The Force Awakens' logo flat-out. It's the exact same damn teaser poster, just with the logo colored red and a different title. They didn't even try. No artwork, no teaser scenery, nothing different. For people who promised "new and exciting" Star Wars adventures, they sure doing a lot of copy and pasting. These were supposed to be the blood relatives of the original trilogy that sucked up to the fans and would try and help wash out the bad taste the prequels left in everybody's mouth...now everything seems recycled.

So, we'll just wait for the next big Episode VIII announcement. The red text symbolizes a darker movie, so The Empire Strikes Back is apparently being remade. Still, because it's Star Wars, I'll still be there on opening night to see it. Probably see it two or three times. Here's hoping for a decent movie.

James Cameron's "Spider-Man": What Might've Been

Back in the 70's, superhero properties were vastly undervalued as motion picture fodder. Nobody knew anything about how valuable those properties would eventually become. Nowadays you look every month and something superhero related is out in the theaters are debuting on TV. In the 70's, many Hollywood producers believed that superheroes belonged in the comic books and couldn't really be done justice. When Richard Donner's pioneering epic Superman was released in 1978, starring Christopher Reeve alongside established stars Gene Hackman and the late-Marlon Brando, it perfectly represented what a superhero movie should've been like. While some parts of the film were a little cheesy, it showed Hollywood that "yes, comic book supermen have spots on the silver screen." Tim Burton's Batman was another example of how well a comic book hero could be brought to life on the big sceen.

By the late 80's, Cannon Film Group, operated by renowned shit-salesmen Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan, had started licensing undervalued Marvel Comics properties to make low-budget movies out of. One was Captain America which later became the star of his own horrific adaptation in 1990's Captain America, a movie where Captain America does literally nothing but stare, mumble, and get the shit kicked out of him, and Red Skull is nothing more than a Yugoslavian in a latex mask. The other was Spider-Man. Obviously, we're all well aware of the classic Sam Raimi take Spider-Man in 2002, it's kick-ass sequel Spider-Man 2 in 2004, and it's...other sequel Spider-Man 3 in 2007. We're also well aware of Andrew Garfield's two takes The Amazing Spider-Man and The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and the upcoming Tom Holland solo-film Spider-Man: Homecoming as part of the nerdgasm-inducing Marvel Cinematic Universe. However, not too many people are familiar with the strained development the Spider-Man motion picture actually went through. The film went through several different stops with different directors and production companies before finally landing at Sam Raimi's feet...and one of these stops was the doorstep of the legendary James Cameron.

Brief history on James Cameron: he's a Canadian motion-picture phenom that doesn't act like he likes being referred to as such. He made the sci-fi/horror/romance classic The Terminator on a shoestring budget with a soon-to-be famous Austrian bodybuilder who had trouble speaking English dialogue. His sequel to Alien, Aliens, is often considered one of the greatest sequels ever made by a Hollywood filmmaker. His film The Abyss was a revolutionary film that set standards for slow-paced, suspenseful storytelling, and his action-packed sequel Terminator 2: Judgment Day set the standard for action movies as a whole and for future generations to follow to a tee. This was the man who was given a shot at bringing Spider-Man to movie screens...

By the early 90's, Carolco Pictures had optioned the rights for Spider-Man from the then-defunct Cannon Group and had selected Cameron to bring the movie to life. Cameron wrote a forty-seven page "scriptment" for the film that was to be the backbone for the finished product. A "scriptment" contains writing elements of both a script and a treatment. We all know what a script is, and a "treatment" is a four-to-five page summary of what's going to happen in the movie, beginning to end. James Cameron's scriptment is well distributed over the interwebs nowadays for all fans of Spider-Man to read. I discovered it early-on in college and just recently sat down to read it, start to finish. All I can say is "what a movie". I mean that both positively and negatively. I don't want to spoil any of it, I only want to give my opinions on it; If you haven't read it and you'd like to see a comic-book style adaptation of James Cameron's scriptment complete with original storyboards, read it here before continuing. It'll make this post a lot better.

I'll wait...

...

...okay, great. SO. Starting off positive, James Cameron decided to take a lot of liberties with the character and the mythos. You don't see this a lot nowadays, that is, directors and screenwriters who take an established universe and change stuff around so that it doesn't inhabit the same universe and flows in a storyline completely seperate from what's established canon. I like that; I'm a fan of taking a mythos and making your own thing because I've stated, creating something that's already been done isn't creating anything at all. You might as well create something. James certainly did that. You can definitely tell reading it that this was his Spider-Man. This wasn't Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's Spider-Man anymore. Cameron took the webslinger and made him his own. These next four reasons are most notably why the movie was never made and is now only an internet pipe dream:

#1 - THE SCRIPT CONTAINED TOO MUCH LANGUAGE
The tone is where a lot of people have their woes. The biggest thing about the movie is that it would've appealed to adults far more than children. Let me stop and give another James Cameron history lesson. I'm not sure if you guys have seen his previous movies, but they have some f-bombs in there. Not enough f-bombs to level New York City, but enough to sink a battleship. "Fuck" is to James Cameron as "webs" are to Spider-Man. One cannot exist without the other. Granted with his later films Titanic and Avatar, the cursing died down somewhat, but in the 80's and early 90's, you knew you were watching a Cameron movie when it had some good uses of "fuck" in it. A lot of dumbshit, low-brow comedies nowadays have "fuck" tossed around 200 times, so the word isn't all that shocking. What you knew about Cameron was that his uses of "fuck" were more colorful and energize. "Fuck" is an interesting word when it comes to movies. You want to use it to show that your film is more adult, but you also don't want to run the risk of overusing it and dumbing down the intelligence of your script. Cameron discovered the secret and used only the right amount of "fucks" and almost each and every line of Cameron "fuckery" is quotable and classic. That all being said, his scriptment of Spider-Man was no exception. There's a use of "Motherfucker" by Peter Parker that's pretty notorious. It's interesting to note that Peter, actually, is the source of most of the swears in the available scriptment since a majority of his dialogue was written. Aunt May would not be pleased with his potty mouth.

#2 - THE SCRIPT CONTAINED TOO MUCH SEX
On top of that, the script was also very sexual. Like...really sexual. Almost uncomfortably sexual for a superhero movie. There's a pivotal scene the internet likes to laugh about where after Peter Parker gets his powers, he uses them to swing next door and spy on Mary Jane getting dressed, possibly with nudity. Which, you know, is normal in a Spider-Man story. There's also the sex scene. Yep. The sex scene. Peter, as Spider-Man, takes Mary Jane to the Brooklyn Bridge and, after imitating quasi-rapey spider mating ritual dances, has sex with her. It's all off screen, and the only thing that's explicitly stated is that he "pushes up her skirt". Yeah, try being a parent taking your kid to the big Spider-Man movie and then having to watch that. There's even a scene where Electro has Mary-Jane held hostage and he forces kiss after kiss of increasing electricity upon her like a deranged creep.

So the script was entirely too edgy, and this reason above all others is probably why Cameron never got the film made. With how demanding he's known to be (hell Kate Winslet said she wouldn't work for him again without "a hell of a lot of money"), you can easily tell that people saying to him "tone it down", would probably result on him bailing on the movie entirely. Cameron's known for making his movies his way or not at all. Spider-Man was not at all.

#3 - CAMERON CHANGES THE LORE
Aside from the above two, the next thing people probably wouldn't have liked is the fact that James Cameron took liberties with the established lore. You don't see that in the superhero movies that are out and about today. Most, if not all, stick solely to the source material and leave little chance of fucking things up by trying to be hip and creative. Well, Marvel keeps to the source material mostly. DC likes to change stuff. The only DC material that changed stuff and got away with it was Christopher Nolan's Bat-trilogy. Man of Steel changed a lot about Superman, but it didn't save that snooze fest.

Cameron took liberties with everything, but mostly the enemies. The two enemies for Cameron's Spider-Man were originally going to be Electro and Sandman, but not the way you remember them. Electro was going to be a Donald Trump-esque megalomaniac businessman named Carlton Strand, and Sandman was going to be his henchman, a soft-spoken buff dude named Boyd. They were no longer electrician Max Dillon and escaped convict Flint Marko, respectively.

Two things that did change but stuck and made it into Sam Raimi's eventual film, were the organic webbing and the idea of the villain telling Spidey that in spite of everything he's done for the public, they're going to end up hating him for it.

#4 - THE ACTING CHOICES
When Cameron went with his second version of the script (that unfortunately doesn't have a scriptment), his choice for Peter Parker was rumored heavily in favor of the young, then-unknown Leonardo DiCaprio. Remember, this was just around the time Cameron was also gearing up for Titanic, so it would make sense that DiCaprio's audition for that movie also gave him good vibes to cast him in this one too. On top of that, Cameron's second take on the movie was going to have Doc Ock as the villain, heavily rumored to be played by Cameron's Austrian buddy himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Just before the film left Cameron's hands, the final rumored cast was as follows:

Edward Furlong as Peter Parker / Spider-Man
Lance Henrikson as Norman Osborn / The Green Goblin
Drew Barrymore as Gwen Stacey
Leonardo DiCaprio as Harry Osborn
Nikki Cox as Mary Jane Watson
R. Lee Ermey as J. Jonah Jameson

Overall, I'm pleased with the film we got. Sam Raimi's Spider-Man came at just the right time. America was still healing from the effects of 9/11 and the film was very heroic to show New Yorkers uniting in such a way they did. "You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us" as the cabbie said. The end shot with the American flag sums it all up just as well. Would Cameron's Spidey flick have been so memorable and loved? Would it have fallen to the same depths of obscurity as other superhero movies in the 90's did? We'll never know. All we can do is sit back, read the man's treatment and wonder "What if?"

The Nitpick Express - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Hello again. I gave myself a couple months off after Halloweenfest where I gave the Halloween movies my own personal ranking. Well, I've been meaning to get back on the horse before Thanksgiving...then before Christmas...and now that it's 2017, it's high time to start a'blogging again.

So to kick off this year, what shall we talk about? Well, allow me to start off the year by grabbing my trusty billy club of hate and whacking the dead horse's carcass. That's right, it's Star Wars discussion time. Not only that, but I'm going to whack that dead horse a couple good times more for good measure because we're nitpicking the prequels.

Now, look around the internet. Google "Star Wars prequels" and see what you get. For every ten returned results, five of them are about how the prequels are garbage and five more are about how they're secretly brilliant. We've come a long way because in the late 2000's, it was all hate-hate-hate and George Lucas directed his final movie in Revenge of the Sith and ended his cinematic directorial career on a high note. Still, he's also responsible for Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, so kind of a mixed result.

Now, what I've always wanted to do is do in-depth reviews of the prequels and give my opinions and observe, compare, analyze and discuss them in a vibrant and fair manner. However, I can't bring myself to do that without tearing open a can or two of verbal whoop-ass. So instead we're going to dumb it down, and have a blast by nitpicking them. I'm going to go through the entire movie's plot and nitpick everything. Nitpicking is far more fun and enjoyable for the reader than another review. I'll do more in-depth reviews sometime, but for now, we're getting the "nitpicking" saga started with the greatest cinematic opus to ever come down the pike. I'll make a list below of every single goddamn nitpick and number them accordingly. They'll be listed in chronological order of occurrence so for those who haven't seen the prequels, I can sort of talk you through them. First and foremost, we're getting off on the right foot for nitpicking by choosing Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Arguably and often flat-out denominated as the weakest in the entire saga, Episode I gave us midichlorians, Jake Lloyd, Jar Jar Binks and PlayStation-esque computer imagery. It is a nitpicker's dream.

DISCLAIMER: Most of these nitpicks will be done for fun. Some of them are genuine complaints about the movie, but most of them will be just me being a dork. You'll be able to tell which ones.

THE NITPICK EXPRESS
presents
STAR WARS Episode I - The Phantom Menace

1. Title: What's with the title? The Phantom Menace? I like it, it refers to Palpatine so you're well aware of what's going on. Still sounds like a hokey 1930's horror serial, though.
2. Crawl: The movie's opening crawl introduces us to the plot revolving around taxation, trade and disputes. You sit there and wonder why you came to the theater to watch Star Wars, but got stuck reviewing junior-year history & government classes.
3. Obi-Wan's braid: I get that Lucas was trying to denote Jedi Padawan learners in the times of the Old Republic, and seeing as how tattoos and piercings would look trashy, he felt he had to use the hair. Why not dress them in a different colored tunic, or give them a certain colored lightsaber? His hair just makes him look like a tree-hugging dufus.
4. Palpatine's an Asshole: The two viceroys of the Trade Federation send Palpatine a message letting them know they have Jedi on their hands, and within one minute, Palpatine tells one of them, in effect, to get the fuck off of the call. Clearly some kind of rod was shoved up his ass that day.
5. "Corporal": Let me ask, why do the battle droids carry rank? It makes zero sense. They're all built the same. So what? One's got red highlights so that makes him a higher rank? Don't give me the "they need somebody in charge" argument. The droid control ships orbiting Naboo are in charge. The droids don't need rank.
6. Qui-Gon forgets about the Force: During the initial assault, Qui-Gon ignores the battle and begins slicing through the door to get to the viceroys. I guess having the Force wouldn't come in handy with a door. What? Did it just fucking slip his mind that he could lift the door off of his hinges?
7. "Stow aboard seperate ships": This is just plain stupid. Qui-Gon goes from neglecting the Force to neglecting common sense. Why split up on seperate ships? What purpose does that serve? What if you land on opposite sides of the planet? What are you going to do, hail a cab? Take a bus? I swear Obi-Wan drew the short straw when the Padawans got assigned Masters.
8. Jar Jar Binks: Okay. *Deep breath*. I know you've probably read a shit ton of posts online about this. You've probably listened to your friends rant, or watched a YouTube video tearing him apart, or been in a web forum wishing religious torture upon him. Jar Jar's taken more abuse than Steve Bartman, so I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I can simply reiterate that Jar Jar Binks not only single-handedly ruins the scenes he's in, not only could have arguably derailed the prequels' chances at success, not only is a stereotypical representation of black-face 1930's cartoons, but is easily the worst cinematic character ever put on screen. In a movie devoid of emotion, Jar Jar is the most energetic thing we get, and he's the unfunniest thing imaginable. You can name characters that are more stupid, more annoying, more redundant or anything else, but at least they have redeeming qualities somewhere. Jar Jar Binks has no redeeming qualities. He's literally a physical representation of a cancerous growth if the film reel was a human body. Jar Jar Binks is cinema poison. Period.
9. "Exsqueeze Me": *Sigh*
10. Olympic Pool Diving: To further annoy us, or just for shits n' giggles, Lucas has Jar Jar suspend all disbelief by leaping fifteen-twenty feet in the air, tumbling and spinning, before diving into a lake. His obnoxiousness is hurdling Kardashian-levels of annoying.
11. Boss Nass: Boss Nass is a fucking imbecile. Who elected this fat bastard the Boss of Gunga City? First he claims that the Naboo people don't know of him and the Gungans, when his city is an underwater metropolis the size of Dallas, Texas. So the Gungans never go to the surface? The Naboo people don't go underwater? Next he claims that even if the droids take control of Naboo, it still doesn't mean that they've taken control of him. Hey jackass, if they own the planet and your city's on the planet, there's a certain property of mathematics that tells us that they own you, too. Finally, he claims that the quickest way to the Naboo people is "through the planet's core". If taking one college-level geology course has taught me anything, it's that you can't just stroll through a planet's core. For any reason with any tool.
12. Droid Dumbasses: Speaking of the planet core thing, apparently they have to drive through the sea and through the planet's core to get to the Naboo. This apparently tells us that the Naboo are on the opposite side of the planet. So the droids... demonstrating the continuous ineptitude of the movie... land on the opposite side of the planet from the Naboo, then drive all the way there and invade them. Instead of just... psh, I don't know... LANDING IN THE CITY?
13. The Jedi take Jar Jar: Right as you were hoping Jar Jar would get left behind, some bullshit Gungan religion crap forces the plot to force Qui-Gon to take Jar Jar Binks along for the journey, basically inciting the first wave of movie patrons to leave the theater in bitter disappointment.
14. The Fish: A fish literally tries to eat them while they're inside the metal Gungan sub. I'm like 99% sure fish don't eat metal, at least not intentionally.
15. The Bigger Fish: During the escape, a large fish (like skyscraper large) eats the fish that was attacking the Jedi and Jar Jar. Qui-Gon just calmly turns and mutters "there's always a bigger fish". He's unusually calm and dull, like he didn't just get attacked by a huge fish.
16. The Sub Losing Power: During their travel, the sub breaks down underwater. Obi-Wan touches two wires and the sub starts up again less than a minute later. I don't understand the need for more drama when you're just going to resolve it in thirty seconds.
17. Jar Jar Doesn't STFU: During the sub ride, the fish attack and the trip to the city of Theed, Jar Jar has about nine words to every one Jedi word. He talks, he talks, he cries, he freaks out. The sub scenes probably sent the next wave of movie patrons packing.
18. "Invasion!": I love that Lucas included a crackpot character in the Queen's council. Communications go out on the planet and the first thing Kris Kringle jumps to is "invasion!" Please, Mediacom goes out every five minutes but you don't see me searching the skies for North Korean bomber jets.
19. Droid Invasion: The size of the droid army invading Theed is unacceptable. The cost of having a droid army this size is too large for a simple Trade Federation. Where did they get the money for this army? Trades? Hey if you read the crawl, they only govern the trade routes. The army, meanwhile,  has tanks, carriers, a million or more droids with pre-equipped blasters, droid skiffs, large planes that carry the droid carriers; it really brings up Star Wars cost-efficiency as a whole. 
20. Droid Expendability: Aside from having so many of them, it turns out the Trade Federation must've cut cost corners somewhere because these droids are useless. The Jedi cut them up like construction paper. They pose literally no threat. In scenes the Jedi are in, they fire at the Jedi but get their blasters deflected. In scenes the Jedi aren't in, they fire blindly at the air and get gunned down by the humans. There's even a popular behind-the-scenes clip of George Lucas showing one to Steven Spielberg and going "they aren't very efficient. The Jedi cut them up like butter."
21. The Queen's Voice: The Queen sounds like her balls dropped below her knees. She's got a bassline voice that a bass choir would be envious of.
22. A Treaty to Make An Invasion Legal: Umm...what? Yeah, no that doesn't work. Imagine if Hitler forced Poland to sign a treaty. Poland's just going to roll over and take it in the ass?
23. Too Many Pilots: I make a note of this in my Phantom Menace satire. The droids have twenty or more pilots hostage. Obi-Wan frees them all and they scatter. You don't see where they all go, but a few are seen boarding the ship the heroes fly off in. Did all twenty pilots board this one ship? That's priceless.
24. The Shield Generator: The shield generator, something you would think is pretty fucking important on a starship, is placed right underneath the surface of the hull, making it a pretty easy target for marauders and evil-doers. Whoever designed this ship is an asshole.
25. R2-D2: R2-D2 is one of the astromech droids sent to the ship's wing when the shield generator gets hit. It creates needless tension because we know he's going t survive because of the original trilogy. Still, it's a pretty cool scene, especially to get Obi-Wan to actually utter the line "We're losing droids fast!" in a serious context.
26. The hyperdrive is leaking: "Leaking?" Okay, to propel yourself lightyears through space at instantaneous speeds is something science hasn't achieved yet, but I'm sure you don't go thousands of lightyears a second on 87 octane unleaded gasoline. Nothing is "leaking", you're just losing power.
27. R2's award ceremony: Gotta admit, pretty cheesy. It's like holding an award ceremony for your pizza oven for cooking the night's dinner correctly. Then one of the hand maiden's gets chosen to clean R2 because "it deserves their gratitude". Next dinner party, I'm selecting one of my friends to clean the pizza oven because it'll deserve our gratitude.
28. Jar Jar meets Padme: There's a pointless scene where Jar Jar finds and introduces himself to Padme while she's cleaning R2-D2. This scene is entirely pointless and could've been omitted. Both characters aren't in the original trilogy, nothing that advances the plot is said, and it's Jar Jar rambling some more. Cut it.
29. Qui-Gon instead of Obi-Wan: I don't know if it's because Liam Neeson had it in his contract or what, but it would've made boatloads more sense concerning the original films that Obi-Wan go into town and find Anakin. That would've impacted the story eons more than Qui-Gon going. The fact that Obi-Wan, played by cinematic badass Ewan McGregor, gets left on the ship to just sit around and jack off for forty minutes while Qui-Gon hogs the screen time is a Star Wars sin upon sins. Concerning the future prequels, it starts Obi-Wan and Anakin's friendship off on an awkward note.
30. Jar Jar Steps in Poop: During the walk into town, Jar Jar steps in animal shit and wipes it in the sand, derailing the serious tone yet again. Kids would laugh, but they're passed out from being bored to death by the trade dispute jargon earlier, so this scene is ultimately rendered unnecessary. Cut it.
31. Watto: How many more stereotypes are we shamelessly shoe-horning into the movie? A money-hungry being with a speech inflection and a big nose? Gee, kinda like every major media representation of a Jewish person? All he's missing is a beard, a yamaka and shouting "shalom!" to newcomers. George Lucas is a dick.
32. Jake Lloyd: Give the kid a break. He was like nine and naive. Nowadays he's an emotionally crippled human being because of his experiences making this movie and the resulting backlash. You try acting from direction by an emotionless drone of a director and made to say this ridiculous, mouth-numbing, tongue-twisting malarkey all before you've even hit puberty. You'd end up a whacko, too.
33. Angels: In their inevitable, fateful meeting, Anakin asks Padme if she's an angel. Smooth. Though I don't understand the inclusion of Christian beliefs in a Star Wars movie.
34. Jar Jar's Bullshit Antics: While we're getting this very important meeting between key characters that set up further movies, Lucas pisses all over it by having Jar Jar fumbling with parts in the shop and falling around in the background like a shithead. I'm begging somebody to shoot him by this point. Seriously, between the eyes. The kids will not miss him.
35. Yippee!: I'll defend Jake Lloyd to the moon and back, but this exclamation was stupid even for him.
36. Sebulba: Sebulba was synthesized from the greasers George created for American Graffiti. Still, he kicks the shit out of Jar Jar and nearly strangles him, so while we warm up to him for beating on Jar Jar, he dashes our hopes by being talked out of it by Anakin. Gettin' our hopes up for nothing.
37. Qui-Gon's ignorance: When a sandstorm's brewing, Qui-Gon, supposedly a Jedi master, wants to still risk the walk to the outskirts to their ship. Only a nine-year-old boy can convince him to actually take shelter. This man is leading the party because...?
38. Shmi Skywalker: The actress who plays Shmi gave it her all, yet the poor direction bug hit her too. The dinner scene is her biggest culprit. Many of her lines don't even break an octave.
39. Anakin built C-3PO: I adamantly refuse to believe Anakin built C-3PO. I would agree with someone who said he assembled him, like a Revell model kit. TC-14 in the beginning was a droid who looks just like C-3PO, like identical. Anakin didn't build anything. "Building" has the implication of 'design' and to design something we've already seen means it isn't 'designed' at all. He was assembled from existing parts. Now that, I'll accept.
40. Jar Jar's Dinner Antics: It just never ends. They're having a serious discussion about Anakin's reflexes and how Qui-Gon is beginning to sense that Anakin's strong with the Force, something that is very fucking important, and Jar Jar steals the scene by tongue-whipping fruit into his mouth. Suck my balls.
41. Padme and Shmi: Like I said earlier, the dinner scene is not Shmi's best day. She mumbles a lot of her lines in one octave with that indiscernible accent, but Padme responds to her or queries her in the same emotionless droning tone. It's like a vortex of boredom with the initial wormhole sprouting from the middle of the dinner table.
42. Darth Maul's reveal: Lord Sidious is talking with the two viceroys when Darth Maul steps out from behind him and reveals himself in the hologram. This scene is pretty cheesy, but it's classic too so I let it slide. I just find it hilarious that he did it almost on cue. The only thing missing was him dropping a gas pellet and walking through the smoke. "Not for a Sith" *Pop* *Tssss* *Steps Forward* "This is my apprentice, Darth Maul."
43. Anakin built a podracer: Now this I can almost believe. The podracers are each of unique designs pertaining to their pilots. Still, one wonders where and how Anakin came about acquiring the parts for the pod racer. Was he stealing from Watto? That would've been a cool subplot.
44. Let's play ball: There's a redhead kid who mocks Anakin for building a podracer and tells his friends to ditch Ani and "play ball" with him. If a kid I knew built a fucking IndyCar in his lawn, that's a kid I want to make friends with. Even if I didn't, what? I'm gonna make him, a racecar driver, jealous by wanting to go "play ball"? What even kind of ball? Baseball? Basketball? Do Earth sports exist on Tatooine? Fuck that kid and his jerkoff friends.
45. Li'l Greedo: We're introduced to a child Greedo. Even if it is Greedo, it's too convenient to have him there. A lot of the "bring original trilogy characters into the prequels" moments are done in such a cheap manner it almost begs the question of if we find them fascinating anymore.
46. Jar Jar gets his hand stuck: Another Jar Jar one-man show. You could make a drinking game out of this, though you'd totally die from it. Jar Jar steals the scene again and stops the plot dead by getting his hand stuck in Anakin's podracer's engine just as he's ready to test it. Even C-3PO is sick of your shit, dude. Would somebody just kill him, please?
47. Anakin Christ: While Anakin is tinkering with the podracer, Qui-Gon is elsewhere and asks Shmi who his father was. Shmi tells him there was no father and that she just "carried him and gave birth to him." So Anakin, in essence, is Jesus Christ. No wonder Anakin can do all these amazing things at such a young age. Maybe he can feed a dozen slaves with a loaf of bread? That'd be cool! Though, he'd be due to get crucified by the Republic Army long after having become Darth Vader. There's a timeline issue somewhere.
48. Sending a blood sample wirelessly: Qui-Gon takes a blood sample from Anakin (against his will/knowledge, I might add) and transmits it wirelessly to Obi-Wan. The stupidity there should be quite evident on its own.
49. Midichlorians: *Sigh* Okay, so. I can understand if it is an old-fashioned method the Jedi used to quantify the Force due to a limited ultimate understanding. Okay? I get that. Still, there was no better idea Lucas had than that? This is where the Force stopped being cool. I am dead serious. In 1977's Star Wars, Obi-Wan described the Force as an "energy field created by all living things that surrounds us, penetrates us and binds the galaxy together". Twenty-two years later, we get a fifth-rate science textbook explanation. The Jedi are now Scientologists, and the Force is their Thetan level. Enjoy your Star Wars prequel, you fucking dickweed.
50. Jar Jar hogging the limelight: Jar Jar Binks is given so much screentime that one wonders why the movie just isn't about him. I'm serious. Lucas inserts random single lines for C-3PO to utter in between mountainous piles of ass that are Jar Jar Binks scenes just to remind us that he's there. Half the time on Tatooine, I forget C-3PO, one of the classic Star Wars characters, is even there.
51. Gambling: To get the parts for the ship, Qui-Gon cooks up some hair-brained scheme to 'gamble' the parts out of Watto. Shmi says during the dinner scene that gambling is how one makes it on Tatooine and a lightbulb went off in Qui-Gon's head. So he takes Anakin to Watto's shop and offers the ship up in exchange for receiving the parts for it. It's a bet that actually makes some legitimate sense, except later that day they make a second, totally unrelated bet regarding Anakin's future. So now there's two bets riding on this race.
52. Chance Cube: I love the chance cube. Fuck you.
53. The race announcer: If it wasn't for the fact that the English-speaking head of the two-headed race announcer is voiced by Greg Proops from Whose Line Is It Anyway?, I'd totally ignore this character.
54. Jabba the Hutt: Yet another pointless character inclusion to further force the connection with the original trilogy. Jabba is the 'grand marshall' of the race, and has a total of about two minutes of screen time. My only real gripe is that he's all CGI and it looks like shit. Puppets were still a thing, guys.
55. "Peeyousa": More potty humor for Jar Jar. An animal farts and Jar Jar says "peeyousa" whilst holding his nose. Totally pointless scene that should be cut.
56. The Pod Race: The pod race is pretty cool. As somebody who loves watching NASCAR and IndyCar, I do love the race. My only complaint is that it goes on about three minutes too long. Plus all the needless drama of peril. I mean, it doesn't even take a brainstem to realize Anakin's going to win the race. You kind of ruin the secrecy of the outcome by placing the entire basis of the continuing the plot on it. 
57. "You have brought hope to those who have none": Mkay, well this is just a stupid thing to say. Shmi, after Anakin wins, tells him that line. Who are the people who don't have hope? Qui-Gon and the gang? Qui-Gon believed in Anakin all along. If not them, then who the hell is she referring to? For that matter, what would referring to people we don't know have anything to do with Anakin winning the race?!
58. Pathetic Lifeforms: When he brings the parts to the starship, Obi-Wan asks Qui-Gon if they've picked up another "pathetic lifeform". Not sure if this was legitimately in the script, or if Ewan McGregor ad-libbed the line out of spite for having to be on screen at the same time as Jar Jar.
59. "Yippee! Reloaded": 'If  the line's nice, do it twice' must be Lucas's motto. When Qui-Gon tells Anakin to pack his things because he's coming with him, Anakin yells "Yippee" as he runs off.
60. Our Meeting Was Not a Coincidence: Qui-Gon says this to Shmi about his and Anakin's first encounter. Hate to break it to you, Qui-Gon, it kinda was.
61. No Shmi Left Behind: Just before he runs off to pack, Anakin wonders why Shmi can't go too. Qui-Gon tells him that Watto wouldn't let her go. You know, that raises an interesting point. Why can't Shmi just escape with the Naboo clan for Coruscant? I mean, Qui-Gon's done so many other questionable things up to this point, would this really be a stretch? If she escapes, what's Watto going to do? Hop in a ship and come after her? Nothing would happen. Having Shmi escape would work out. Sure, Watto could just blow the chips in the slaves' heads, but what would he gain from that?
62. Darth Maul's first fight: Darth Maul's first fight with Qui-Gon in the desert is pretty cool. It's ruined only by the fact that was too brief. Things in this movie either go on too long or not long enough. There is no happy medium.
63. "Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi": The most fateful meeting the fans were waiting for gets twelve seconds of screentime, and it's an awkward handshake between a young adult and a little boy. What's worse is Anakin's dorky response of "You're a Jedi too? Pleased to meet you." Everything about this huge moment flatlines and falls down the stairs.
64. The Age Difference: There's a scene just after they leave Tatooine where Padme and Anakin share a tender moment and start budding their future courtship. The only thing is that Jake Lloyd was nine and Natalie Portman was almost eighteen. So...that must've been pretty awkward.
65. Jar Jar's Snoring: Of course during the above scene, Jar Jar's snoring obnoxiously. He tries to distract you and rob from emotional moments even at rest.
66. The Pilot is a Tour Guide: When the Naboo clan descends onto Coruscant, the pilot introduces the planet by saying "Coruscant! The entire planet is one big city." Not only is this straight out of a Delta Airlines flight taxing up to the terminal, but it's ludicrous. One city covers the entire planet? There are no bodies of water or alternative ecosystems? Everything is Manhattan? What a shithole.
67. Palpatine, the middle-aged thirty-something: I read somewhere on the Star Wars wiki that Sheev Palpatine was only supposed to be thirty years old in this movie, yet Ian McDiarmid didn't do anything to hide his middle-age. Star Wars fans explain it by saying the dark side ages you faster, but using canon to explain film inadequacies is a personal pet-peeve. Either digitally de-age him or cast somebody younger. Hell, you're going to change Anakin actors after this movie anyway.
68. Yoda: Yoda is pretty awesome, but the puppet they got for him sucks balls. Maybe if George didn't dump boatloads of cash into computer imagery, we'd have better movie props.
69. "Senator Palpatine needs your help!": Earlier in the movie, Kris Kringle says this to the Queen as they leave for Coruscant. Apparently there's a senator Palpatine and he needs the Queen's help for the Senate to side with Naboo. Yet here, Palpatine does nothing but tells the Queen that their plan won't work. So who needs whose help? Either invasion guy continues to demonstrate the effects of Alzheimer's disease or it's another thing that the Star Wars canon has to explain. 
70. Jedi Master Samuel L. Jackson: Mace Windu does not exist. Anytime you see Samuel L. Jackson in a movie, he's playing Samuel L. Jackson. I'm sorry, but it's true. The only thing missing from this movie was forty-four uses of "motherfucker".
71. The Sith: *Sigh* Alright, so this post is already pretty long-winded, but I must go into this. I don't really care for the idea of the Sith. I'll explain myself, naturally. Let's go back to the three original films. Darth Vader was not a Sith, but a rogue Jedi named Anakin Skywalker who "fell to the dark side". All we know is that there were Jedi, and there was this dark side of the Force they were weary of turning to. Anakin turned to it, donned a new moniker, became powerful with the dark side and helped the Empire kill the other Jedi because of it. Now go to the Emperor. In Return of the Jedi, it's established that the Emperor did not respect, much less use, lightsabers. He belittles Luke's as "a Jedi's weapon", meaning they were the only ones who used them. He felt he was so powerful with the dark side, he didn't need one and saw them as mere toys. He shot fucking bolts of lightning from his fingertips for Christ's sake. But what about Vader? Well Vader only used one because he was once a Jedi and had trained with one, but he colored it red to show how he's changed and how he's not a Jedi anymore. I love that idea. It's so intriguing and it paints Vader and the Emperor as this tag-team of hate that broke away from the Jedi like nobody had ever seen before.
    
    Episode I then tells you that everyone does it by introducing the Sith. Who are the Sith? They're warriors who use the dark side of the Force. They all use red lightsabers, even Palpatine in III. They all have names that start with "Darth". They all dress in black. More than just Palpatine shoot lightning from their fingertips. Nothing is new or interesting. It all becomes like prerequisites for joining a fan club. Sith remind me a lot of the goth kids from South Park. They want to be outcasts, but to join them you have do everything they do. It goes from something cool to a rehash of The Transformers with Autobots and Decepticons.
72. "Finding him was the will of the Force": Again, no it wasn't, Qui-Gon. It was literally by pure chance that Anakin was found.
73. A Jedi prophecy: If Jedi can see the future, why do they have a prophecy? Predictions kinda lose their charm when you can literally venture ahead in time visually and see what happens.
74. Kneel Before Valorum: Chancellor Valorum is played by Terrence Stamp, known for playing General Zod in Superman II. That alone is hilarious.
75. The Senate Hall: I actually like the Senate hall. It's large and futuristic, and it definitely looks like something out of Star Wars. Yet, the floating pods are a little too much. Can't you just see C-SPAN where two delegates are playing bumper pods in midair when they don't get their way?
76. E.T Phone Lawyers: E.T. pops up in The Phantom Menace as a species of delegates in the background of the Senate scene. At this point, I don't know whether to kiss George or slap him in the head.
77. The Vote of No Confidence: A senatorial movement that immediately ousts a leader from power because the senators don't think he's doing a very good job. If something that was regularly practiced today, nothing on the planet would get done. We'd be on our three-hundredth president.
78. Jar Jar Inspires: There's a scene just after they oust Valorum where Jar Jar asks the Queen is she's worried her people are gonna die. Or, I'm sorry: "Yousa tinkin' yousa people gonna die?" Jar Jar was never the master of subtly and reminding the monarch that she's failing as a leader is no exception. Then he happens to drop a hint that he'll be involved in the climax by haphazardly mentioning that the Gungans have a grand army. So, yeah, Jar Jar's going to be around for much longer, people.
79. Obi-Wan's a Whiner: Obi-Wan warns Qui-Gon that the council will not train Anakin. Fans know it's because they sense Anakin's dark future, but mostly it's funny because Obi-Wan comes off like a jealous son being neglected in favor of his younger brother.
80. Anakin Is My New Padawan: After the Council decides not to train Anakin, Qui-Gon just tosses Obi-Wan aside saying he's ready for the trials and unofficially takes Anakin as his new Padawan. I feel you Obi-Wan, that's gotta sting.
81. Going Back to Naboo: After she learns Palpatine was nominated to surpass Valorum as Supreme Chancellor, Queen Amidala decides to go back to Naboo. So this negates the whole half-hour segment on Coruscant completely. Seriously, Anakin's not getting trained and the Queen isn't receiving Republic aid, so what the fuck did they come to Coruscant for in the first place?!
82. "They'll Force You to Sign the Treaty": Palpatine tries to sway the Queen from leaving by uttering that gem. If the Queen was a dedicated monarch, she'd chop her hands off before signing a treaty. Besides, the whole treaty thing is still epicly stupid.
83. Bad Line Readings: Again, you gotta give credit to Jake Lloyd for acting with the shit he was given. Still, the lines he says on the floating platform as they prepare to leave for Naboo have the sentence structure like a six-year-old wrote them. God bless Jake for trying.
84. "Weesa Goin' Home!": Oh my God. Shut. The Fuck. Up.
85. Jar Jar Binks, You're My Only Hope: During the flight home, Queen Amidala tells Jar Jar that "she needs his help", referencing his grand army. This line is a source of inspiration, I think. If Jar Jar can find a way to be useful to a plot involving sword-fighting monks, sentient robots, ray guns, and floating text floating through space, you can pass your final exams and get that job you always wanted.
86. Gungan Sacred Place: This is the shit that pisses me off. Earlier Boss Nass told us the Naboo knows nothing of the Gungans, yet they have sacred land all over the Naboo hillside. He said that the droids taking control of the Naboo surface meant nothing to him and the Gungans, yet they HAVE SACRED LAND ALL OVER THE NABOO HILLSIDE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!
87. Lousy Decoy: May I ask: What's the point in having a decoy for people to shoot at if all you're going to do throughout the entire fucking movie is stand next to said decoy? Queen Amidala is a moron.
88. Keira Knightly: I find it laughable Keira Knightly was cast to play Natalie Portman's decoy.
89. Easy to Convince: Boss Nass takes literally no time at all to be convinced by the real Queen Amidala that they don't think they're better than the Gungans. If that was his only gripe about siding with them, then he's even pettier than I ever could've imagined.
90. "Meesa Like Dis!": Boss Nass found time to pass a kidney stone while delivering this line.
91. General Binks: For what purpose, or what reasoning--*sigh*--why did Boss Nass decide to make Jar Jar a general? What battle experience does he have? What strategy mapping experience does he own? I'm going to say "none" and "less than none", respectively. 
92. CGI in Sunlight: When Boss Nass joins the plan discussion, he stands in direct sunlight next to the flesh-and-blood actors, and as a result of that, he looks even more fake and rubbery than before. You wouldn't even think that was possible.
93. Spider-leg hologram: When the Viceroys are talking to Darth Sidious in Theed palace, Sidious's hologram is projecting from a machine on spider-legs. Wouldn't wheels have been more ideal? Some kind of hover tech? Or maybe be stationery in a room like normal?
94. The "Too Close" Battle: Viceroy Gunray notes that he "thought the battle was going to take place far from here" and that "this is too close". Even if this were true, that's just ridiculous. If you're provoking people, and they retaliate, do you think the battle would be far away from you?
95. "Stay in that Cockpit": Qui-Gon takes this corny line and makes it a Schwarzenegger one-liner. More power to him.
96. Duel of the Fates: I'm convinced "Duel of the Fates" was John Williams's desperate attempt to save the movie. It certainly saved the climax.
97. The Lightsaber Duel: As the fourth film in the franchise, the lightsaber duel had to be faster and more over-the-top. I think having a double-bladed lightsaber fits such a need. That and making everything an acrobatic circus routine helps. The flashy dance choreography, er, I mean "climactic swordfight", while entertaining, is devoid of emotion. The original films had sword fights that were simpler, but heavier on emotion and character. Episode I is just about who comes out on top and lives. I'll give you a hint, of the three men in the lightsaber duel, only one is in the original trilogy. 
98. Theed Palace Power Plant: The lightsaber duel carries on into the basement of the palace, boasting large power batteries and advanced power capabilities. It begs the question why the people of Naboo couldn't even survive one day without space trade since they can build giant power plants the size of skyscrapers.
99. Anakin in Space: While this is going on, Anakin mistakenly flies off in a Naboo starfighter. Then he accidentally tumbles through space, does barrel rolls, darts left, gets hit by a blaster bolt, and crashes in a droid hangar. This kid is supposedly already a pilot with at least some experience and here he is flying like a blindfolded chimpanzee on experimental narcotics. After all that, he only accidentally fires a bomb into a control reactor and blows up the ship from the inside, narrowly escaping the explosion on a whim. Everything on this piloting excursion was all luck, no skill. Yes; all-star pilot.
100. Swingin' Shields: During the lightsaber duel, the Jedi and the Sith Lord come across eight or nine opening-and-closing shield gates that look like they're straight out of a Nintendo side-scroller. Don't know what purpose they serve, but at least it makes the lightsaber duel a little more interesting.
101. Droid Binoculars: The droids use binoculars. Couldn't their robotic eyes just... zoom in?
102. Gungans vs. Droids: Jar Jar literally bullshits and pussyfoots his way throughout the entire battle. He doesn't intentionally kill any droids. He is just the happy accident that keeps on "accidenting".
103. Theed Palace Run: The only part of the climax that isn't hokey or cheesy in any way and it isn't lightsaber related.
104. Qui-Gon-Kabob: In perhaps the silliest exchange, Obi-Wan watches helplessly behind ray shield as Qui-Gon is hit in the face with a hilt and stabbed in the abdomen. He doesn't even emote getting stabbed, which is priceless.
105. "Now This is Pod Racing!": It literally isn't.
106. Gungan Victory Steal: After Anakin inadvertently blows up the droid control ship, the droids fighting the Gungans shut down and the Gungans celebrate like they're the ones who beat them, further cementing their status as intergalactic assholes.
107. Legless: Watching Darth Maul literally separate into two pieces as he falls down the pit his unintentionally hilarious.
108. Promise Me You Will Train the Boy: After Obi-Wan slices Darth Maul in half, he holds his dying master in his arms, who forces Obi-Wan to promise him that he will train Anakin to be a Jedi. There you have it. Alec Guinness's "...and he was a good friend" line was brought about by Obi-Wan only training Anakin out of his dying master's wish.
109. Explain All This: When she's waving goodbye to the arrested Viceroys. the Queen tells them they'll have to back to the Senate and "explain all this". What is there left to explain? Either they'll be cementing her story or they'll tell them shit they already know. What she should've said was "Now you'll rot away in the dungeons of Kassius for the rest of your pathetic lives", but I guess the thought of aliens rotting away in dungeon cells was too dark for this kids movie.
110. Not-so-epic foreshadowing: I've seen the Star Wars original trilogy over a thousand times. So have about five billion other people. So going into this movie, people knew who Palpatine was and knew he'd be evil. Even people who hadn't ever heard of the original trilogy had a gut feeling. So, what's with the mysticism? To try their hand at clunky foreshadowing? I'm not exactly sure Lucas knows how to make a prequel.
111. "We'll watch your career with great interest": See what I mean? We get it. Palpatine and Anakin turn into the Emperor and Vader, respectively. They gotta get that last nail in our heads just to make sure we know.
112. The Level of Jedi Knight: There's a scene near the end between Yoda and Obi-Wan where Yoda confers the level of Jedi Knight on Obi-Wan. A fine commendation, except the opening crawl said Obi-Wan was already a Jedi Knight.
113. Jedi Funerals: I get that they needed a cool way to salute a fallen Jedi, but a Jedi funeral has got to stink something awful.
114. Which was destroyed?: Mace Windu asks this question of Yoda whenever Yoda mentions the fabled Sith "Rule of two", meaning there's always at least two Sith; a master and an apprentice. Mace then asks "...but which was destroyed? The master? Or the apprentice?" Well...both. Technically speaking. Qui-Gon was a master, and Darth Maul was an apprentice.
115. Palpatine's Last laugh: The funeral scene ends with a slow pan onto the side of Palpatine's head as he gazes over the burning corpse of Qui-Gon Jinn, reminding you again the he still does, in fact, exist. What's funny is that it's right after Windu's question about who was destroyed, so it's sort of a comedic punchline of film editing. Which was destroyed? Noooooot this guy!
116. The Gift from Spencer's Gift: The ending shot is where Queen Amidala hands Boss Nass an orb that looks like something you'd find at Spencer's Gifts. I'm surprised the bolts inside it don't attract to the fat bastard's fingertips.
117. Anakin's School Uniform: ...and as well he should be, now being Obi-Wan's apprentice, Anakin makes his debut in his Jedi getup. He's wearing a tunic, without a robe, and has no lightsaber. Some bum deal he got.
118. Padme's Backwards Turn: There's a shot just after she hands the orb off where she turns to Anakin, although you can tell that it's a shot of her looking that opposite direction that Lucas just reversed. Her head turn looks a tad unnatural. Almost like she's about to turn it 360-degrees and vomit, spewing Satanic remarks.

*Whew*, wow. I gotta take a break after that one. Hope you found these amusing and informative. I'll be back with Episode II soon!