A Sarcastic Preview of "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice"

Alright, so before the movie comes out tomorrow, let me just say a few things first.

Obviously, before I begin, let me state the obvious. We all know that Marvel movies kick the living crap out of DC movies and we all point and laugh at DC because they're playing a pretty laughingly pathetic game of "catch up" right now and it's hilarious. So, that being said, let's do a quick preview.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be the second installment in the DC Extended Universe, Warner Brothers' poor-man's answer to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Superman doing his best
"Windows Desktop Wallpaper"impression

It will feature Henry Cavill returning to the role of Clark Kent / Superman, fresh off his portrayal of the hero in Man of Steel which was...a movie, and that's pretty much it. On the other side of the ring, there's Ben Affleck, who gets a chance to don the infamous cowl of Batman. Ben Affleck, or "Batfleck" has a newly designed batsuit looks as though Frank Miller got his children free college tuition so long as the movie promised it would "sort of" look like his Batman's batsuit.

As for the supporting cast, we've got Jeremy Irons signed on as Alfred Pennyworth, who looks more like Commissioner Gordon and less like Alfred. Plus he looks about the same age as Bruce in the trailer...so go figure. Amy Adams is back as Lois Lane, who is probably one of the few reasons people will actually sit through the movie. Jesse Eissenberg plays Mark Zucker--, I mean Lex Luthor. I'm sorry, that is just...the most hilarious casting choice in the world. Plus there's Gal Gadot, who's appeasing feminists all around the world by finally adapting the character of Wonder Woman onto the big screen...in a movie that doesn't bear her name in the title and didn't let her have a line in her big reveal trailer.

So, what can we expect before the movie comes out? Well, we can hope that there's going to be plenty of action. We know the Dark Knight Returns Bat-mech-suit...thing will make an appearance. In fact it made a trailer appearance before the actual batsuit did. So we know Superman will meet his match in battle. I mean, he'd kind of have to right? Face it, the concept of Batman fighting Superman isn't very interesting unless Batman uses exterior forces, because Superman could damn well sneeze on the Caped Crusader and send Batman's spinal chord to Guantanamo Bay.

We know Doomsday is going to be in the movie, for some reason. You know, because the movie already didn't have enough hype and content in it. Pretty much the only villain to ever make Superman wet himself is probably getting relegated to the last forty-five minutes of film and is probably beaten fairly simply. Will they adapt aspects of the Death of Superman storyline? Some would say yes, but smarter people would say 'no', because they know Justice League is still coming out.

Batman doing his best to accessorize
the many shades of grey.

We can hope for Gal Gadot bringing honor to the Wonder Woman role. Hopefully she still uses her Lasso of Truth and flies around in her invisible jet as a hark back to when she was just a sex symbol in the 70's TV series. Oh God, I hope they do her better justice than that. They'd pretty much have no other motive than to do her justice. The 70's just don't fly anymore...unless it's in an invisible jet. Zing.

We can hope that DC decides to be original by including mid and end credits scenes that hint at future DC projects. Maybe include Easter eggs that reference other DC superheroes in this film? Have the Green Lantern show up out of nowhere for a two minute cameo talking about Earth Day and how we should give a hoot and not pollute. I'd pay to see that. That alone would be the price of admission. Maybe there's a scene where Bruce Wayne is smoking a cigarette and he throws it on the ground and walks away, and then two seconds later the Joker shows up as a road worker for a penal farm to clean it up to tease Suicide Squad (which will also probably be terrible).

At the absolute least, the very minimum, we can hope that there'll be another trailer for Captain America: Civil War. Let's face it, DC. If you can't beat 'em, advertise for them and earn yourself a little money on the side.

SARCASM ASIDE: Alright, sarcasm aside, I think the movie will at least be worth the ticket price. The marquee value alone is staggering enough to warrant box office gold. Obviously, you're going to get Batman fanboys getting mad about something, and then whatever Superman fanboys are left are probably going to get their Kryptonian panties tied up in a bunch. Wonder Woman fanboys will...well, to tell you the truth I'm not sure how they'd react.

The movie will be out in less than twenty-four hours. We'll know by then whether or not the movie will be terrible. Lord knows it had enough hype to last a lifetime.