A Review of "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice"

This is it. This is the one people have anxiously been waiting for. My goodness, the hype was real. I mean, it was no Star Wars: The Force Awakens by any means but once Star Wars came out, the hype was pretty much this and this only.

Well, I forgot about Deadpool. Okay so after Star Wars, people were hyped about Deadpool, and then once Deadpool came out people finally started getting excited for this...at least, I think you call that excitement.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is the superhero film the comic geeks have been waiting for for a long, long time. The idea of Batman and Superman, the two most notable comic book superheroes of our time, teaming up or fighting one another has been a notion since the two enjoyed both their Golden Age in the 40's and 50's and Silver Age of the 60's and 70's of comic book glory (Boy, they're old). Different people began hinting at the idea of potential crossover movies for some time, back when Michael Keaton and Christopher Reeve were Batman and Superman, respectively, to when Christian Bale and Brandon Routh were. Thank God that crossover didn't take place.

Do Batman and Superman both finally get the payoff and well-received cinematic exploit that they've hoped and dreamed of? Well, we know Batman has gotten his fair share of the DC Comics film spotlight...and by that I mean pretty much all of it, but does this film answer all of the nerds' prayers and fulfill their ultimate boyhood fantasy hopes and dreams?

Sit back and read as I give you the answer of a great big: "Sort of."

THE GOOD

Obviously, the action was satisfying. You went in wanting both Batman and Superman to kick some ass, take some names, and destroy lots of stuff in their battles. Well, look no further, because that's precisely what you get. You get a couple altercations, the first of which is a brief "prick-waving" contest"and then the second is their big battle which flies all across Metropolis. All in all, the fight was pretty exciting. Too bad the climax to the fight sucked balls, but we'll get to that.

Henry Cavill was again, phenomenal in his portrayal as Superman. Stoic, heroic, and standing tall as a symbol of hope for planet Earth. For the slew of actors we have out in the world today, Cavill is the perfect choice for Superman and I'm glad he continues to play the role throughout the entirety of the DCEU. On the opposite side of the spectrum, Ben Affleck nailed Batman and Bruce Wayne. His Bruce Wayne is a grumpy old man who thinks Superman showed up to the planet Earth to rule it, while his Batman is the muscle behind stopping such a takeover.

Amy Adams was great as Lois Lane. She was very "Karen Page"-esque in her performance. Basically your typical intrepid reporter willing to risk life and career for the news, except she was very much like Karen Page because she did it outside the umbrella of the Daily Planet.

Jeremy Irons was pretty great as Alfred. I had my doubts going into the film because he looked like he's playing Commissioner Gordon and not Alfred, but it didn't matter. Alfred in this film was very much like Bruce's sidekick as he did a lot of third-party operations of the various Bat-mechanisms that aided Bruce in battle as Batman.

I did like the references to The Dark Knight Returns. There were more references than I was anticipating as well. Superman being a shriveled up prune after the nuclear blast, Batman telling the crook "I believe you", the overall look of the Batsuit, the Bat-mech suit, Bruce Wayne's age...okay so "Batman" in general.

The idea that Doomsday could be spawned from the corpse of General Zod is pretty interesting. Lex Luthor used the corpse of Zod, some of his own blood, and a Kryptonian DNA pool to create Doomsday to fight Superman. I'm not sure if I'm on board with this notion or not, but until I figure it out, I'll file it under "good".

The Doomsday fight was fun. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. Superman and Batman were getting their asses kicked until Wonder Woman showed up. I liked how Superman and Wonder Woman took over the fight from Batman since he's, well, Batman and therefore insignificant in the scheme of Doomsday. Not much else to say about it, other than that it was pretty wild.

THE BAD
The overuse of Kryptonite as a plot device was annoying. It was necessary, but annoying. I didn't care for it. Obviously Batman fighting Superman would be absolutely no contest without it, so as a personal aid for Batman, I guess it was necessary. I also didn't care for how Batman and Lex Luthor were fighting over who was gonna be the guy to put Superman down. Lex discovered or at the very least first obtained the Kryptonite, and then Batman shows up at one point in the movie and steals it all jealousy-related because "Oh, I wanna kill Superman". Even if it was for a completely different reason, it felt like nothing more than Batman felt like he needed to be the one. Well, it didn't work out so well because Lex then decides to kidnap Superman's mother and hold her hostage. He promises her safety in exchange for Superman killing Batman and "bringing Lex Batman's head".

Their fight is pretty great, as mentioned. The downfall of the fight is the ending. Superman is played out to be a total punk bitch. I could easily tell Zack Snyder is a little Bat-biased. Superman is so misrepresented in media today, it's insulting and this movie, rather than this disprove the notion that Superman is weak and useless, decides to play it up. Batman basically uses the Kryptonite to defeat Superman and then is prepared to deliver the killing blow. Not only does Superman lose, but he doesn't even save himself. No, no! Lois Lane intervenes on Superman's behalf and convinces Batman not to kill him and for them to work together. What a joke.

Speaking of Lex Luthor, Jesse Eisenberg was about as enjoyable as a live, un-drugged colonoscopy. You may think the over-the-top acting was necessary to show how crazy Lex is, but good God he wouldn't shut up. A lot of scenes he just spouted non-sequitors like they were supposed to be creepy, but instead he came off like a dork. He acts like a ten-year-old who says he's used to drinking Red Bull and then has one sip and starts flying on Cloud 9. Every damn scene he was in he as either over-the-top obnoxious or far too calm and dull. The one and only scene in which he was even remotely normal was the first scene you meet him. After that, he snorted sixty-seven pixie sticks and took off into a void that was too warped and "out there" for me. Look at Jack Nicholson's Joker in Batman: He managed to be a complete psychopath and still be down-to-Earth and cool about it. The Superman: The Animated Series Lex Luthor is the perfect example about how a megalomaniac billionaire is supposed to be played. This? This is just too over-the-top.

While Cavill rocked Superman to the T, his Clark Kent needs work. Hark back to Christopher Reeve, who is still Superman for many people. He played both roles so well, you would never guess Clark Kent was Superman. He played Superman as a stoic monolith of a man built to uphold truth and justice, and Clark Kent as a slouching, stuttering, bumbling oaf of a lovable guy. What the fuckin' balls is so hard about that? Cavill has got his Superman down to nitty-gritty, but his Clark Kent is...well, Superman with glasses. He's still stoic, has the same stone-chiseled face with "perma-anger" look, and doesn't change his voice or speech patterns in anyway. Reeve played Superman like a jock and Clark Kent like a nerd. How much easier does it get than that?
Also, apparently Lois not only knows Clark's identity as Superman, but they're dating as well...soon to be married, too. So...surprising, at best.

The only thing I didn't care for with Affleck's Batman was the Bat-voice. It sounded too tampered in post production. He sounds like a robot riddled with throat cancer, even when he's out of the Bat-mech suit. I didn't get it when I saw it, and I still don't get it now.

Then there's the obvious thing. This movie was too dark for no reason. DC just doesn't get how to make a superhero film anymore. After The Dark Knight in 2008, they stopped trying. I'm not saying I hate dark and gritty movies. I love them when they're done right. The Crow is a phenomenal example of a dark, yet stylish comic book movie. Sin City is also well documented in its cinematography use. Batman's even had his fair share of dark movies; Batman Returns, for instance. Why is it that DC movies feel they have to be dark and morbidly filmed? The entire film had a tone of tragedy about it. It's a comic book movie. Lighten up a little, would you? If the movie's supposed to be dark, well then for God's sake don't make it dark. Sure Batman's supposed to be all morbid with a more adult tone, but Superman is predominantly for kids. Does he have to be given the greyscale makeover too? I'm all for updating the DC heroes for the modern movie-going audience, but lighten up a little.

The Justice League build-up was and still is a joke. Superman and Batman are given all this screen time and character development. That's fine, if the Justice League superhero team was just them. Wonder Woman's in the Justice League, too. She has absolutely zero lines until the end battle with Doomsday. Up until then she's just eye-candy for Bruce Wayne. The other heroes? They each get forty seconds worth of YouTube videos to hype them. Yep, no joke. Wonder Woman opens a link from Bruce Wayne and watched short clips on the Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman sightings throughout the world. DC tried to stick it to Marvel with that one and failed. Marvel likes to give each hero in the Avengers their own standalone movie to build them up and give the audience familiarity with the characters, with the exceptions of Hawkeye and Black Widow. DC did all their standalone movies in the span of about two minutes. Aquaman, the Flash, Cyborg and, well, Wonder Woman. I don't feel anymore familiar with Cyborg or Aquaman than I was walking into the theater. On top of that, where the shit is Green Lantern? Does Warner Brothers not realize he's still a member of the Justice League? What garbage.

The ending was garbage. They try and fake you out by copying the Death of Superman story-arc and having Doomsday "kill Superman". While that's fine, if you've already publicly released reports saying that you've signed Henry Cavill on for Superman in Justice League parts 1 & 2...so, what's with all the tension in pretending he's dead? Everybody with a brain stem knew he was alive. I had to pee by the time Superman was "killed" and was anxiously waiting for him to come back to life so I could leave and go pee. I waited and waited and the "funeral" carried on and on. Bruce and Diana (Wonder Woman) had discussions about "uniting the heroes to fight" to hastily set up Justice League, and I just wanted Superman to wake up. Finally, the camera zoomed into the top of his casket and dirt moved...cut to black. So, the eventual payoff you were waiting on didn't even happen. It was an angry pee post showing.

THE VERDICT

2.8 ** out of 5 *****: Batman v Superman is a mixed bag at best. You get awesome portrayals of characters in Cavill, Affleck, Adams, and Irons and then you get Jesse Eisenberg trying to play a supervillain. It has great action that keeps you in your seat and entranced in what's going on, but the greyscale filter, the depressing atmosphere and the half-assed arc involving Superman answering for crimes in the middle east detract from the overall idea of superheroes uniting as one to combat a growing evil. You get the union at the end, but then the movie messes with your mind in having the leader of Justice League pretend to be dead. Justice League, the very next movie in the DCEU, has no build-up of lesser-known heroes other than brief glimpses in clips on a laptop. Figured it deserves at least a 1.5 for name recognition, and an additional .5 for box office triumph...2.8 is extremely generous I think.

I just hope Suicide Squad isn't going to be this epicly underwhelming...

A Sarcastic Preview of "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice"

Alright, so before the movie comes out tomorrow, let me just say a few things first.

Obviously, before I begin, let me state the obvious. We all know that Marvel movies kick the living crap out of DC movies and we all point and laugh at DC because they're playing a pretty laughingly pathetic game of "catch up" right now and it's hilarious. So, that being said, let's do a quick preview.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be the second installment in the DC Extended Universe, Warner Brothers' poor-man's answer to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Superman doing his best
"Windows Desktop Wallpaper"impression

It will feature Henry Cavill returning to the role of Clark Kent / Superman, fresh off his portrayal of the hero in Man of Steel which was...a movie, and that's pretty much it. On the other side of the ring, there's Ben Affleck, who gets a chance to don the infamous cowl of Batman. Ben Affleck, or "Batfleck" has a newly designed batsuit looks as though Frank Miller got his children free college tuition so long as the movie promised it would "sort of" look like his Batman's batsuit.

As for the supporting cast, we've got Jeremy Irons signed on as Alfred Pennyworth, who looks more like Commissioner Gordon and less like Alfred. Plus he looks about the same age as Bruce in the trailer...so go figure. Amy Adams is back as Lois Lane, who is probably one of the few reasons people will actually sit through the movie. Jesse Eissenberg plays Mark Zucker--, I mean Lex Luthor. I'm sorry, that is just...the most hilarious casting choice in the world. Plus there's Gal Gadot, who's appeasing feminists all around the world by finally adapting the character of Wonder Woman onto the big screen...in a movie that doesn't bear her name in the title and didn't let her have a line in her big reveal trailer.

So, what can we expect before the movie comes out? Well, we can hope that there's going to be plenty of action. We know the Dark Knight Returns Bat-mech-suit...thing will make an appearance. In fact it made a trailer appearance before the actual batsuit did. So we know Superman will meet his match in battle. I mean, he'd kind of have to right? Face it, the concept of Batman fighting Superman isn't very interesting unless Batman uses exterior forces, because Superman could damn well sneeze on the Caped Crusader and send Batman's spinal chord to Guantanamo Bay.

We know Doomsday is going to be in the movie, for some reason. You know, because the movie already didn't have enough hype and content in it. Pretty much the only villain to ever make Superman wet himself is probably getting relegated to the last forty-five minutes of film and is probably beaten fairly simply. Will they adapt aspects of the Death of Superman storyline? Some would say yes, but smarter people would say 'no', because they know Justice League is still coming out.

Batman doing his best to accessorize
the many shades of grey.

We can hope for Gal Gadot bringing honor to the Wonder Woman role. Hopefully she still uses her Lasso of Truth and flies around in her invisible jet as a hark back to when she was just a sex symbol in the 70's TV series. Oh God, I hope they do her better justice than that. They'd pretty much have no other motive than to do her justice. The 70's just don't fly anymore...unless it's in an invisible jet. Zing.

We can hope that DC decides to be original by including mid and end credits scenes that hint at future DC projects. Maybe include Easter eggs that reference other DC superheroes in this film? Have the Green Lantern show up out of nowhere for a two minute cameo talking about Earth Day and how we should give a hoot and not pollute. I'd pay to see that. That alone would be the price of admission. Maybe there's a scene where Bruce Wayne is smoking a cigarette and he throws it on the ground and walks away, and then two seconds later the Joker shows up as a road worker for a penal farm to clean it up to tease Suicide Squad (which will also probably be terrible).

At the absolute least, the very minimum, we can hope that there'll be another trailer for Captain America: Civil War. Let's face it, DC. If you can't beat 'em, advertise for them and earn yourself a little money on the side.

SARCASM ASIDE: Alright, sarcasm aside, I think the movie will at least be worth the ticket price. The marquee value alone is staggering enough to warrant box office gold. Obviously, you're going to get Batman fanboys getting mad about something, and then whatever Superman fanboys are left are probably going to get their Kryptonian panties tied up in a bunch. Wonder Woman fanboys will...well, to tell you the truth I'm not sure how they'd react.

The movie will be out in less than twenty-four hours. We'll know by then whether or not the movie will be terrible. Lord knows it had enough hype to last a lifetime.