A Review of "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes"

"Greetings humans, welcome to Ape Land. Deposit guns on ground, palm your poo, and prepare for war."

Happy Memorial Day. Yeeeeah, I had a busy weekend and a few things keeping me from keeping up with a timely schedule! Nevertheless, I aim to do two posts this week to close out talking about anthropomorphic apes, heh. We only have two movies left (currently, anyway) and then it's on to a summer full of different other kinds of reviews. Of which I'm not entirely sure yet.

Last week we reviewed Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the 2011 reboot to the franchise that breathed new life into the story as far as I'm concerned. It became probably my second or third favorite, fighting Conquest for the silver prize behind the original 1968 movie. The rest kind of meander around the rear of the field, bumping into and tripping over each other. Next up is the sequel to Rise! This is 2014's Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and I just watched this one over the past week for the first time in order to review it. I must say, I think this series struck again. Maybe not for a home run, but definitely a base hit. Andy Serkis is back as the ape leader Caesar, and ten years have passed since the end of Rise. Let's slice into this smorgasbord of ape-tastic gourmet viewing--I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.

"Human, the dam is over there--"
"Hang on--HONEY, get a load of the ugly one! WOOF!" 

The movie opens up, like I said, ten years after the global pandemic of a deadly Simian Flu, where the worldwide human population is drastically reduced, with only about 1 in 500 genetically immune. This causes societal collapse among humans. The apes, all bestowed with genetically enhanced intelligence by the virus, establish a colony in the Muir Woods near San Francisco. The movie then cuts to, oddly enough, MONKEYS IN A JUNGLE! WIIIIILDLY unpredictable, I must say! We get to enjoy watching Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his tribe of advancing apes hunt and kill food for survival, namely deer and elk in this instance. That's pretty interesting to see. Plus his war paint is pretty gnarly to see.

A group of humans, led by Malcolm (Jason Clarke), unknowingly enter the apes' territory in search of a hydroelectric dam that would restore power to their community in San Francisco. Carver (Kirk Acevedo... badass name, lol), a member of Malcolm's group, injures a chimpanzee named Ash (Doc Shaw) in an unexpected confrontation. Malcolm manages to prevent further escalation, and Caesar, the apes' leader, orders the humans to leave. Prompted by Koba (Toby Kebbell), Caesar brings his army to the human community as a display of strength. In a cool scene, Caesar announces that, despite the apes not wanting war, they will fight the humans if forced; he demands the humans stay in their territory. Malcolm convinces community leader Dreyfus (Gary "Why the fuck am I here?" Oldman) to give him time to take a small team to the forest with the mission to reconcile with the apes and access the dam. Eventually, Caesar allows them to work on the generator on the condition that they surrender their guns. While working together, Malcolm, his wife Ellie (Keri Russell), and his son Alexander (Kodi Smit-McPhee) bond with the apes. The fragile relationship briefly falls apart when Carver is discovered to have kept a hidden gun and is thus forcibly sent away, but trust is restored when Ellie, a nurse, effectively treats Caesar's wife Cornelia's (Judy "I'm in Everything!" Greer) illness.

"Apes, go over strategy one more time."
"First we attack humans."
"--then?"
"We bite genitalia off."
"Good."

Right away the movie is starting to feel a little predictable. While it's not a bad movie so far, I was already figuring out kind of how the plot was going to go, as I'd seen this story play out in other movies before. A member of one tribe asking for permission to a resource or land unintentionally offends those who hold said resource or land. Still, the owners are good at heart so they offer the wanters a chance despite shaky trust. The actions of the wanters offend a young owner, who becomes radicalized in their quest to destroy the wanters, a chance at peace, and keep their way of life, much to the disagreement of other owners. Disney's Pocahantas comes to mind again, but only just.

Anywho, Dreyfus arms his community with the munitions at the Fort Point armory. Koba, who has a vendetta against humans for his mistreatment as a laboratory test subject (see?), discovers the armory and confronts Caesar, accusing him of loving humans more than apes (SEE?). Caesar beats Koba in response but refrains from killing him. In a wild scene that caught me off guard so much I had to watch it again, Koba later returns to the armory, pretends to get drunk, kills two guards, and secretly kills Carver after the humans succeed in repairing the generator. Koba takes advantage of their celebration to covertly set fire to the ape colony. Now he's becoming like Scar... Disney's The Lion King. I think this movie's story owes more to Disney than Planet of the Apes. Koba then shoots and seemingly kills Caesar, who falls into the underbrush and disappears for a bit. Koba frames the humans for Caesar's death and the fire to justify war. Taking command, he leads the ape army to San Francisco, where they plunder the armory and mount a full-scale assault on the humans. Despite taking heavy casualties, the apes breach the building and imprison the humans as Dreyfus flees underground. While refusing orders to kill unarmed humans, Ash cites Caesar's teachings, and Koba kills him. Koba has all apes loyal to Caesar imprisoned, including Caesar's lieutenants Maurice, Luca, and Rocket... yep, Scar. Definitely Scar. MUFASA MUFASA MUFASA! Lol anyway.

One thing that never dies in a Simian Flu pandemic,
Republicans and their love for guns.

In a surprise to no one, Malcolm's family find a severely wounded Caesar and transport him to his former home in San Francisco. After sneaking back into the settlement to find medical supplies, Malcolm encounters Blue Eyes, Caesar's son. Blue Eyes spares him before learning that his father is still alive and accompanies Malcolm to Caesar. There are two clues here that show us what could have been the fate of Will Rodman (James Franco) after the events of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. When Caesar returns to his house, a sign can be seen with an "X" on the stoop by the door. Usually this means someone living there is infected, so it can be assumed he was one of the first to die in the plague. Also, Will's 1980s-ish Jeep is still parked in front of the house, covered in vines and vegetation, but it can clearly be seen when Caesar and friends first arrive to the house. It is assumed if Will had left his house, he most likely would have driven his vehicle. He most likely succumbed to the Simian Flu and died, much like many of the world's population. All started from a medicine he was working on. Tragic, indeed.

Anywho, after learning that Koba shot Caesar, Blue Eyes reconciles with his father; the trio return to the community and free every imprisoned human and ape. After escorting the apes into the tower, Malcolm finds Dreyfus, who reveals that his men made radio contact with a military base. Malcolm holds Dreyfus and his men at gunpoint in an effort to give Caesar time to retake command. Caesar confronts Koba at the top of the tower for an epic showdown upon epic showdowns; as they fight, Dreyfus kills himself when he detonates C-4 in order to destabilize the building in a failed attempt to kill the apes. Caesar defeats and kills Koba in similar fashion of Koba killing that dude in the helicopter in Rise, letting him fall to his death after asking for help. Justice = served. Also I have no doubt Gary Oldman wanted to sequel proof himself by demanding a death scene. No doubt in my mind whatsoever, lol.

What would make this 10x funnier is if Koba had
"I'm Walking on Sunshine" playing on earphones in
his ears while making this face.

Malcolm warns Caesar of the approaching human military. with Caesar stating; "Begun the Clone War has..."--nah just kidding, but he does echo Yoda by stating "War has already begun" because of Koba's violent reign. Believing that the humans will never forgive the apes for their attack, Caesar convinces Malcolm to leave with his family for safety before the fighting begins. He then addresses the apes, preparing for the upcoming war.

That is Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Overall, I think it is a solid sequel. It has some balls here and there showing some violent gunplay at work. Like I said, the scene with Koba and the two guards caught me by surprise with its violence. I mean Koba straight-up merc'd those guys in cold blood. I did not expect that. Koba was seen more of a tragic good-guy and someone who could be Caesar's right-hand bodyguard and tough guy by the end of Rise, in my opinion, but Dawn I guess decided to use him as a tragic yet violently radicalized individual. His vendetta against humans, as we saw, is sort of justified, but not to the extent of violence. I also very much liked the apes' performance evolution being further depicted in this movie. At the end of Rise, some apes could communicate via sign language and only Caesar could speak. By the beginning of Dawn, some ten years after the events of Rise, Caesar was much more fluent in English and more apes could sign some very complex sentences. I couldn't wait to see how the progression would be further depicted in the next movie. Even Koba and Caesar's right-hand advisor Maurice (Karin Konoval) were more articulate and intelligent in this film. The way Koba screamed "CAESAR!" throughout the movie was haunting. Well done. In fact, I did some light reading on the trivia of the movie: In the film, the violent, hate-filled ape, Koba, is a bonobo (formerly known as a pygmy chimpanzee) while the pacifist, forgiving ape, Caeser, is a chimpanzee (formerly known as a common chimpanzee). In real-life, however, bonobos are the much less violent of the two chimp species and rarely fight, whereas common chimps are much more prone to attack one another. Hmm... ironic! I'll bet the screenwriters looked at that and went "Hmm, oh well! PLOT HOLE!"

All in all, I enjoyed Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and I recommend it. It had action, suspense, not really a overblown plot, pretty straightforward PG-13 action romp if you're looking for some good popcorn entertainment. It's a solid enough sequel for sure. The reboot series so far has been impressing me. I'm ready to see the current "conclusion" of the series coming up next! I'll be out of town this upcoming weekend so I want to have it out prior to when I fly out Friday morning, hopefully I can stick to that.

Catch you all then! Only one movie to go!

A Review of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"

See? Now when the homeless problem in San Francisco gets out of control, you're going to have
a revolt like this on your hands, California.

Happy Friday! Another ape movie is upon--what's that? What did you say? "Why is this not over yet?" I do not know, but apparently there is quite the fondness that exists for these movies. Enough to make nine of them, and a TV series we skipped over... and also a tenth film on the way from hte newly Christened 20th Century Studios. Which I'm sure we will review when it comes out.

"Woah, Draco! Look at the size of your wand!"

As we covered last week, the Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes movie... well it sucked. I thought it sucked, I did light reading on the reception the movie had back in 2001 when it came out and a lot of people back then thought it sucked. Seemed to just be the universally accepted opinion. A sequel was torpedoed immediately, which was what that BOLLOCKS ending was setting up, supposedly. According to IMDB, Tim Burton said that he "would rather jump out of a window than direct a sequel" to Planet of the Apes... which is pretty much cut and dry meaning that the franchise is dead again... and it remained dead... but this time only for about a decade. In comes director Rupert Wyatt, with stars James Franco as a scientist (oh sure, wink) and renowned motion-capture guru Andy Serkis playing our lead ape, this movie was announced as a reboot with an origin story to start a brand new storyline, ignoring everything that happened prior. That's good, a fresh start; after all, this was the one that got me hooked on on the Apes saga to begin with. I saw it in theaters just after I graduated high school. Welcome to 2011's Rise of the Planet of the Apes! A movie that teaches us loosely taking bits from five of your previous franchise's entries and mixing them together into a "fresh" take can, well, really make it feel like a fresh take! Let's sit back and see what makes this reboot work so well and become a quality reboot, in my book.

"Oh man, this looks like the wrong genetics lab."

The movie starts off, oddly enough, with MONKEYS in a jungle! WHO SAW THAT COMING? In San Francisco, pharmaceutical chemist Will Rodman (James Franco) is testing the viral-based drug ALZ-112 on chimpanzees at the biotechnology company Gen-Sys to find a cure for Alzheimer's disease. Right away, testing on chimps is going to end very badly for the human race, especially with some kind of bonkers miracle drug to reverse brain disease. Bit of a reach, but I dig it; it makes sense. ALZ-112 is given to a chimpanzee named Bright Eyes... our FIRST Apes franchise easter egg. "Bright Eyes" is of course Zira's nickname for the mute Taylor in the original 1968 film! The drug greatly increases her intelligence. However, during Will's presentation for the drug, Bright Eyes is forced from her cage, goes on a rampage, and is shot to death. Will's boss Steven Jacobs (David Oyelowo) terminates the project and has the chimpanzees euthanized. However, Will's assistant Robert Franklin reveals that the reason for Bright Eyes' rampage was that she had recently given birth. Will reluctantly takes in the infant chimpanzee, eventually giving him the name Caesar. Our SECOND Apes franchise easter egg! Caesar was of course played twice by Roddy McDowall in the original series' last two entries, Conquest of and Battle for, respectively.

"James... from ape to you... do not text those
girls back. Consider this warning."

Discovering that Caesar has inherited his mother's intelligence through being exposed to ALZ-112, Will decides to raise him. Three years pass, Caesar (Andy Serkis) becomes highly intelligent; he is able communicate through sign language. Will begins a romantic relationship with primatologist, Caroline Aranha (Freida Pinto). Will and Caroline introduce Caesar to the redwood forest at Muir Woods National Monument so he can roam. Meanwhile, Will treats his father, Charles (John Lithgow), with ALZ-112, which seems to restore his cognitive ability. Five years later, Caesar, now entering adulthood, questions his origins and place in the world. Charles' condition returns as his immune system becomes resistant to ALZ-112. Caesar injures an aggressive neighbor, Douglas Hunsiker (David Hewlett), while defending a confused Charles. As a result, animal control arrives and takes him to an ape shelter. Caesar is tormented by the alpha chimpanzee, Rocket (CGI), and the chief guard, Dodge Landon, played by Draco Malfoy. Looks, it's Tom Felton, but we all know we don't call him Tom; we call him Draco, because the poor son of a bitch has been typecast. He even acts like Draco this whole movie. The only thing missing his Caesar's name being "POTTAH" or something. Not to mention, that's our THIRD Apes easter egg... Draco's character is named "Dodge Landon", the names of the two astronauts who arrived on the planet with Taylor in the original 1968 film. Lotsa throwbacks, callbacks, and treats here in this movie.

"Hmph... 'gamer'... 'girl'...
'bathwater'...?"

However, Caesar befriends Maurice (CGI), a former circus orangutan who also knows sign language. Caesar learns to unlock his cage, gaining free access to the common area. With the assistance of Buck (CGI), a gorilla, Caesar claims the position of alpha. Meanwhile, Jacobs clears the development of a more powerful gaseous version of the drug, the ALZ-113, when Will tells him it can improve intelligence. Will takes the drug home for his father, but Charles declines further treatment and dies overnight. After attempting to test the drug on a bonobo named Koba (CGI... you starting to notice a pattern? Lol), Franklin  (Tyler Labine) accidentally becomes exposed to ALZ-113 and becomes ill. Despite the risks, Jacobs orders continued trials and as a result Will quits his position. Attempting to warn Will at his home, Franklin sneezes blood onto Hunsiker and is later discovered dead. Will attempts to reclaim Caesar, but Caesar instead decides to stay and steals the ALZ-113 canisters from Will's house and enhances the intelligence of the other apes in the shelter. When Dodge attempts to get him back into his cage, a small brawl ensues between the two. In a groan moment, Caesar blocks one of Dodge's baton swings by grasping his arm, and Draco (yes, Draco) screams "Take your stinkin' paw off me you damn dirty ape!" Sigh, Draco Malfoy has quoted Planet of the Apes, I now have seen everything. However, in a BADASS moment right afterwards, Caesar screams "NO!", revealing his further-advanced intelligence. When this happened in the theater, it got silent except for people gasping and whispering. A truly defining moment for the movie. Caesar fights with Dodge while freeing the apes, inadvertently killing him. R.I.P. Draco.

"This is bonkers, Will! What are we
gonna do?"
"I don't know, 'Lady Whose Name
I Don't Remember'!"

The apes flee, releasing Koba and the remaining apes from Gen-Sys, and freeing additional apes from the San Francisco Zoo. A battle ensues as the apes fight their way past a police blockade on the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to escape into the redwood forest. To rescue Caesar, Buck sacrifices himself to down a helicopter. Koba pushes the helicopter, with Jacobs still inside, into the sea. As the apes find their way into the forest, Will finds and warns Caesar that the humans will hunt them, begging him to return home. Caesar hugs him and instead mutters "Caesar... is... home". Will accepts Caesar's wishes and the apes embrace their new lifestyle in the forest. Meanwhile, Hunsiker, now infected with ALZ-113, arrives at San Francisco International Airport for his flight. He eventually spreads the virus around the planet, leading to a deadly pandemic.... and that's the end of the film, end credits!

So what did we learn today? For starters, I loved this one, and besides the 1968 film, it was the only one in my boxset I'd seen already. So I felt very comfortable getting its review written. I think it's a solid reboot to introduce the Apes franchise to a wider, newer, younger audience. The older films do fine, we've reviewed those in full, but they've got hokier elements of the early 70s that don't translate well to this day in age. I understand that, not a lot of franchises/movies from back then are truly timeless; I'd argue the original Planet of the Apes is, and even Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is, the other three seem to get stuck in their day-in-age here-and-there throughout their runtime.

Look, I know it's Draco... you know
it's Draco... let's just admire this pic
and not make anymore Harry
Potter jokes, lol

My big criticism of this film is that, for the most part it is largely just a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, as it borrows heavily on the character of Caesar gathering a clan of apes around him, training them, helping them to escape, fear and attack humans, and ultimately start a revolution; an uprising that lights a spark in the fire that eventually becomes the downfall of humanity. It isn't very original, and borrows elements other films here and there, but mainly just follows Conquest's storyline. Which is probably why I like it so much. That being said, it isn't a bad thing that it did that because it did change just enough to make interesting again. When I first viewed Conquest a few weeks back I picked up right away that Rise mimicked it quite a bit, but I didn't look down on either film with disdain because of that.

For instance, I think Andy Serkis knocked it out of the park as Caesar. I consider him on-par with Roddy McDowall's interpretation of the character. They both played the part of the oppressed-yet-intelligent ape rising up with his brethren to overthrow humanity and make a home for themselves as free beings very well. Roddy was more genocidal in Conquest that somehow became a calm and commanding leader in Battle... while Andy Serkis plays up both of those in one film. Once he leads the apes to the Redwood forest, he drops being genocidal and just accepts his new position as the apes' peaceful leader. He wants no more bloodshed; he already views himself as free. No more need be done! Right? Both were portrayed wonderfully. While the CGI on Serkis can seem a little rubbery compared to other live monkeys shot on film, I have gone into detail about how Roddy's 1970s ape make up seems dated as it appears to clearly be a mask in those movies. So take your pick there!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes becomes the third movie in the series I recommend! It's got action, drama, some compelling scientific theories, and another great re-telling of Caesar's uprising. Only two Apes movies left, neither of which I've seen!

A Review of "Planet of the Apes" (2001)

Why they called him General Thade and not "Ape-raham Lincoln" was a serious lapse in judgment.

Happy Friday, fellow ape-sketeers! Summer and warm weather is upon us. Travel plans a'plenty, for baseball and tropical climates are in the air. So too is a continuing series of reviews for Apes movies.

"Excuse me, sir, but would you
happen to have a breath mint?"

That's right, today's review is yet another Planet of the Apes movie! Last week, we concluded the original Roddy McDowall Apes series with our review of Battle for the Planet of the Apes... but the Apes saga isn't over, not by a long shot! Sure, it took about twenty-eight years for another entry to spawn. The original series was all tapped out, all the actors/actresses in those movies grew old as the 70s wore into the 1980s... and the 1980s turned into the 1990s... and by then, interest in an Apes sequel had greatly diminished. Well... when you lose your audience trying to make a sequel, you find a new audience with a FRESH take! In the director's chair is renowned visionary whack-a-doodle Tim Burton, known for stellar films like Batman, Ed Wood, Beetlejuice and Mars Attacks!... also known for Edward Scissorhands though... so a bit of a mixed blessing. In the starring role? Mark Wahlberg. That's right... Marky Mark leads us in our action-packed Apes sequel.

Or no wait, it's not a sequel? That's right! It's a remake. Well... not a remake either, as it doesn't follow the exact plotline of the original film at all. This is where Tim Burton coined the phrase "re-imagining". They simply took the Apes universe, and then wrote their own story with their own characters in that universe. Aside from being called Planet of the Apes, featuring a planet of talking anthropomorphic gorillas and chimps... this movie has zero to do with the original Charlton Heston film. I watched it for the first time as part of my new boxset this past week and... good LORD. I mean, I see what they were going for, but it does not work for me at all. The plot is convoluted, the characters are ridiculous, and while the make-up is spectacular (shout out to Rick Baker), the actors delve much too deep into the chimp mannerisms. To the point that scenes get... unsettling. As a whole, the production was a difficult experience for Tim Burton. This was largely contributed by 20th Century Fox's adamant release date of July 2001, which meant that everything from pre-production to editing and visual effects work was rushed... and boy it shows. Let's slice and dice this turd and see what Tim Burton brings to the Planet of the Apes saga.

In 2029, aboard the United States Air Force space station Oberon, Leo Davidson (Marky Mark) works closely with apes who are trained for space missions. His favorite ape co-worker is a chimpanzee named Pericles. With a deadly electromagnetic storm (it's always an electromagnetic something-or-other in these movies) approaching the station, a small space pod piloted by Pericles is used to probe the storm. Pericles's pod heads into the storm and disappears. Leo takes a second pod and finds Pericles. Entering the storm, Leo loses contact with the Oberon and, in 5021 A.D., crashes on a planet called Ashlar. He learns that the world is ruled by humanoid apes who speak English, use domesticated horses for transportation, and treat human beings as slaves. So... it's a separate planet, but there are human beings and there's also colloquial English being spoken. Not to mention CHIMPS, GORILLAS, and APES! Already I am pretty confused. If they're going for the same twist-ending as the '68 film, there's no need for the build up because we already know. If they aren't, there's got to be a lot of explaining to do.

"Alright Helena, now that you're in full ape make-up,
give us your best L'Oreal girl impression!"

Leo meets a female chimpanzee named Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), who protests the mistreatment humans receive. Ari decides to buy Leo and a female slave named Daena (Estella Warren) to have them work as servants in the house of her father, Senator Sandar (David Warner). Leo escapes his cage and frees other humans. Limbo (Paul Giamatti), an orangutan trader in captured humans, sees them but is taken prisoner to ensure his silence. The murderous General Thade (Tim Roth) and his junior, Colonel Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan), march ape warriors to pursue the humans. Leo discovers Calima, the forbidden, but holy temple of "Semos", the first ape whom the apes revere as a god. Oh boy... Tim Roth. I'll delve into his performance at the end, but just know... *shudders*.

Calima turns out to be the remains of the Oberon which had crashed on the planet's surface and now looks ancient (the name Calima coming from the sign "CAution LIve aniMAls", the relevant letters being the only ones not covered in dust). According to the computer logs, the station has been there for thousands of years. Leo deduces that when he entered the vortex, he was pushed forward in time, while the Oberon, searching after him, was not, crashing on the planet long before he did. No shit, Sherlock. Did the rotting substructure and outdated log tapes tell you that? Any who, in a major revelation, the Oberon's log reveals that the apes on board, led by Semos, organized a mutiny and took over the vessel after it crashed. How the apes became intelligent is left completely ambiguous... unless it was just an ape-level mutiny. As in gorillas just went apeshit (pun intended) and killed all the humans. Which is fine, but that doesn't explain how the apes eventually became intelligent and developed their own culture and society.

"Alright Pericles, now it's fourth quarter and
your team is down by two. Stop monkeying
around and make this shot!"

The human and ape survivors of the struggle left the ship and their descendants are the people Leo has encountered since landing. The apes arrive and attack the humans who have gathered to see Leo, although he is able to even the odds when he uses the Oberon's last fragments of fuel to fire a final blast at the first wave of apes. "I love the smell of roasted ape flesh in the morning!" No, that's not a real line, but in this cheese-fest I would not have put it past them. The battle stops when a familiar vehicle descends from the sky, which Leo immediately identifies as the pod piloted by Pericles, the chimpanzee astronaut who was pushed forward in time as Leo was and had just now found his way to the planet, the electromagnetic storm actually releasing people from it in an opposite direction in time to their entrance. Wow... that's... oddly convenient. Didn't know an electromagnetic storm had so many rules. When Pericles lands and the pod opens, the apes bow, interpreting his arrival as the return of Semos, and hostilities between humans and apes suddenly cease.

Pericles runs into the wreck of the Oberon and Leo runs after him, followed by General Thade. Thade and Leo fight. Pericles tries to help Leo, but Thade throws him hard against a wall. Imagine if a hardcore devout follower of Christ... let's say Ben Shapiro, I don't know why but he gives me Thade vibes; imagine if Ben Shapiro saw Jesus come down from the sky and then, because he ceased warfare with the liberals, just started throwing Jesus against the wall and beating the shit out of Him. That's what this exchange feels like. Reeeeeeaally forced. Anyways, Thade takes Leo's gun from him and tries to fire it at Leo. Leo sees that Thade is within the pilot's deck and closes the automatic door, trapping Thade inside. Thade fires the gun repeatedly at the door but the ricochets create sparks that scare Thade, who huddles under a control panel. So our big villain for the film has the same fears that dogs do on the Fourth of July. How terrifying.

"Mr. Baker! Give me a zipper in my ape costume so
I may properly relieve myself, lest I snap this extra's neck!"

Deciding to escape Ashlar and return to Earth, Leo gives Pericles to Ari, who promises to look after him. After saying farewell to Ari and Daena, Leo climbs aboard Pericles's undamaged pod and travels back in time through the same electromagnetic storm, which I guess allows that... even though entry of time is supposedly the opposite of when you entered, which makes me wonder where the hell the "median" point is where--oh fuck, never mind. Marky Mark then crashes in Washington, D.C. on Earth. He looks up at what appears to be the Lincoln Memorial, only to find that it is now a monument memorializing General Thade. A swarm of police officers, firefighters, and news reporters descend upon him, revealed to all be apes... and that's this movie's "twist" ending.

Now... whew, what a stinker. I mean I wanted to like it, just to see if I can feel smarter than the average internet community filmgoer; but no, the internet and the general populace is pretty much right about this one. Planet of the Apes from 2001 is a grade-A mess of good ideas executed very piss-poorly. First of all, while I do buy Mark Wahlberg as the lead, he feels so much less equipped than Charlton Heston was and seems too out of place for a movie like this. With Heston, I go "Oh that's Taylor". With Wahlberg, I keep going "MARKY MARK!". He just doesn't fit. Paul Giamatti is a real ham in this, too, and I gotta admit... I loved watching him work, even when he went in full monkey mode. He brought some hilarity and levity to an otherwise bizarre, dull, or outwardly weird script. Tim Roth however BUSTED MY GUT, I never laughed so hard. He killed it in some scenes all menacing like, but there are scenes where he just loses himself in the role or in a line delivery and I crack up into hysterics. Like near the end where he's begging Attar to let him out and he just awkwardly growls "MY FRIIIIEND" out of the blue? I about pissed my pants. The "DO YOU HAVE A TOWEL?!" snarl also killed me... it's like "Dude, you're overacting so hard."

"Do you see that ape army coming over the horizon,
Leo?" "I see that... and I also see that quartet of ape
strippers arousing me with their monkey hoots!"

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't give one last shout out to Rick Baker and his team for their makeup effects for this movie. These are some of the most convincing ape makeup jobs I've ever seen. While I love Roddy McDowall and his ape movies, those did unfortunately, certainly in a few screaming scenes, seem to expose themselves as masks made-up to the actors' faces. In Conquest at the end when Roddy is screaming Caesar's lines, you can pause-step (thanks to advent of DVD and Blu-ray) and literally see his lips and teeth inside of the ape mask's mouth. It ruins the illusion, but still for 1972 it was pretty great as in most scenes it's not really noticeable unless you, again, pause-step it. Something I'm sure filmmakers in 1972 didn't anticipate becoming a thing, especially in households across the country. Rick Baker's ape masks on the other hand were fluid, easily forming as the characters' faces, and you thought thanks to the actors uh... ape mannerisms, that these were instead super-intelligent chimps. Props to Rick Baker.

While not a full-on remake, but again just a "reimagining"... there are still a few callbacks to the original movie. Speaking of Charlton Heston, he actually has a cameo here. There's a scene where Thade is talking to his dying father, an elderly ape named Zaius (callback to the orangutan from the '68 film) who is played in full make-up by the seventy-eight-year-old Heston. He even echoes his famous "Damn them all to Hell" line as he dies... which only feels VERY forced. Which is on par with Attar telling Leo earlier in the movie "Take your stinkin' paws off me you damn, dirty human!" Ah ha ha ha, what a callback. There's also Linda Harrison, who played Nova in the '68 film, also has a cameo, though it's much more brief... she plays a captive who shakes her head when Leo asks "What is this place?" So... good to see after nearly thirty-five years, she still is stuck in the Godforsaken ape cage.

I do not recommend 2001's remake... sorry, reimagining of Planet of the Apes. It's convoluted, it's confusing, it's mind-boggling, it's cringy, it's unintentionally goofy, and above all; it doesn't do the series a whole lot of justice. It's inventive but what it invents just doesn't work. I think they tried so hard to be different but in creating something entirely different using only the gel of the original idea ended up creating something so radically different it became almost a farce, somewhat nonsensical in its story display. On top of that it's so overacted that the casual viewer might dig it but stuff like ape children leading human children around on leashes like dogs and Lisa Marie doing ape lovemaking hoots with a dude in a giant Bornean orangutan getup was... unsettling. Thank God for fast forward... which is a phrase you'll utter a lot watching this movie.

A Review of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes"

"What do you think, Caesar?" "I am thinking that cheesy Ghordita crunchwrap is backing up on me!"

Happy Friday and welcome back to another edition of our Ape movie anthology series of reviews. I was held up a week, hadn't sat down to watch the movie we're here to review today. Now, I've seen it, and I'm back on schedule to help move this banana-lovin' batch of films down the assembly line, and closing out with the last of the original Planet of the Apes saga of films.

♫"Now this is a story of about how our life got
flipped, turned upside. I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there... I'll tell you how Caesar
became the prince with ape hair!"♫

To once again sum up: Planet of the Apes continues to be a stellar sci-fi classic. Its first sequel Beneath the Planet of the Apes got weird with subterranean races of telepathic humans that worship bombs, followed by the dull reality-TV show-ish presentation of Cornelius and Zira coming to 1973 Earth in Escape from the Planet of the Apes. As mentioned, it was Conquest of the Planet of the Apes that immediately roped me back in with its stellar portrayal of a repressed slave-ape in Caesar uprising and fighting back against his persecutors. NOW... it is 1973, and we have our fifth and what would be final entry in the original series: Battle for the Planet of the Apes. A continuation of Caesar's storyline from Conquest, I was hoping to see a continuation of sorts of Caesar's quest for power and his reign of ape-terror being his ultimate ape-undoing. Did this movie manage to satisfy my raised expectations? In the first half, no. In the second half, very much yes. An unbalanced, awkwardly paced movie, Battle for the Planet of the Apes can be considered a okay ending if you're in the right mindset. Let's dissect this simian conclusion and see what all it has to offer.

So rather than be a direct sequel that picks up right where Conquest left off, it instead is disappointingly told as a flashback to the early 21st century, with a wraparound sequence narrated by the orangutan Lawgiver (John Huston) in "North America – 2670 A.D.". While this sequel follows the chimpanzee Caesar (Roddy McDowall) years after a global nuclear war has destroyed human civilization, it doesn't do it right after the ending of Conquest, which I found disappointing. Living with his wife, Lisa (Natalie Trundy) and their son, Cornelius (Bobby Porter), Caesar creates a new society while trying to cultivate peace between the apes and remaining humans. Caesar is opposed by an aggressive gorilla general named Aldo (Claude Akins), who wants to imprison the humans who freely roam Ape City while doing menial labor. So right away we see that human society has already collapsed a mere twenty years after. So Caesar's ending speech was... entirely correct, and Mr. MacDonald was just waywardly wrong about how Caesar's cause could fizzle out. Take THAT, moral high ground!

That face you make when you slap your pockets and don't
feel your keys, or your wallet.

After defusing followers of Aldo who attacked a human teacher Abe (Noah Keen) for saying "No" to apes, Caesar ponders if his own parents could have taught him how to make things better. MacDonald (Austin Stoker), Caesar's human assistant and the younger brother of MacDonald (from Conquest of the Planet of the Apes) reveals to Caesar that his brother told him of archived footage of Cornelius (also Roddy McDowall) and Zira (Kim Hunter) within the underground, now radioactive ruins of what is known as the Forbidden City from the last film. Caesar travels with MacDonald and his orangutan advisor Virgil (Paul Williams) to the Forbidden City to find the archives. This MacDonald is not the same MacDonald character as the previous film. I know, it is tough; neither movie makes an effort to give them first names so the casual viewer in 1973 would probably have issues distinguishing the two beyond a simple recasting. I believe there was a line of dialogue that said "Oh you're the younger MacDonald" or something, again, I've only seen the movie once now, but it would be nice if first names were given to help distinguish the two MacDonalds apart from each other.

Anywho, as the trio infiltrate the city to find the lost recorded archives, is revealed that mutated and radiation-scarred humans are living within the city, under the command of Governor Kolp (Severn Darden), the man who once captured Caesar. Caesar and his party view the recordings of his parents, learning about the future and Earth's eventual destruction before they are forced to flee when Kolp's soldiers hunt them. Fearing the mutant humans may attack Ape City, Caesar reports his discoveries. When Caesar calls MacDonald and a select group of humans to the meeting, Aldo leads the gorillas away. So gorillas, originally depicted as being the militaristic species of ape... now are depicted as the racially biased spieces of apes. Wild to think about. Anywho, Kolp's scouts find Ape City. Believing Caesar is planning to finish off all mutant humans, Kolp declares war on Ape City despite his assistant Méndez's (Paul Stevens) attempt to get him to see reason. Aldo plots a coup d'état in order for the gorillas to take control. Cornelius overhears from a nearby tree, but is critically wounded when Aldo spots him and hacks off the tree branch he is on with his sword. I was hoping Cornelius would survive, I was like "there's no way they're going to kill a kid!"... but then I remembered, this is 1973. The next day, after a gorilla scouting pair are attacked by Kolp's men, Aldo takes advantage of a grieving Caesar's absence to have all humans corralled while looting the armory. Cornelius eventually dies from his wounds... see?... leaving a devastated Caesar with the revelation that Cornelius was not hurt by humans.

This must be how all Midwestern parents got to school,
according to their accounts anyway.

The climax of the movie is one giant shootout. Kolp's ragtag force launches their attack, as Caesar orders the defenders to fall back. Finding Caesar lying among dozens of fallen apes, Kolp expresses his intention to personally kill him. The apes, however, are merely feigning death and launch a counterattack that captures most of the mutant humans. Kolp and his remaining forces try to escape, only to be slaughtered by Aldo's troops once they are out in the open. However, we're not quite done yet. Aldo confronts Caesar about releasing the corralled local humans and orders the gorillas to kill them. When Caesar shields the humans and Aldo threatens him, Virgil, having learned the truth from MacDonald, reveals Aldo's role in Cornelius's death. Enraged with Aldo for breaking their most sacred law, "ape shall never kill ape", Caesar pursues him up a large tree, their confrontation resulting in Aldo falling to his death.

With Caesar realizing that apes are no different than their former human slaveowners, he agrees to MacDonald's request for humans to be treated as equals, co-existing in a new society. They store their guns in the armory; Caesar and Virgil reluctantly explain to the armory's overseer, an orangutan named Mandemas (Lew Ayres), that they will still need their weapons for future conflicts and can only wait for the day when they will no longer need them. The scene, or I should say, the "flashback"... stops and the movie returns to the Lawgiver, saying it has now been over 600 years since Caesar's death. His audience is revealed to be a group of young humans and apes, the Lawgiver noting that their society still waits for a day when their world will no longer need weapons, while they "wait with hope". A closeup of a statue of Caesar shows a single tear falling from one eye. Cut to end credits, so ends the original Planet of the Apes series.

"Caesar, I hate to interrupt your son's bar mitzvah, but I have
to tell you I clogged your downstairs toilet.... oh, and
you're out of wet wipes, as I have eaten them all."

To sum it up, Battle for the Planet of the Apes does indeed show the struggle Caesar must endure to build and maintain an ape society that coexists with human society, but while Battle does have a lot of action, certainly during the climax, its not a very worthy conclusion to the series, certainly if you consider what we were shown in Conquest. Yes I know, I keep holding Conquest up on a high pedestal, but I just love that movie so much and it's easily the best one I've seen since the original. Battle had potential to show more of Caesar's chaos-hungry rise to power, but it instead decides to skip ahead to when not only the apes have built somewhat of a society together, but human civilization has already collapsed and coexists with the apes who conquered them, or whose uprising helped lead to their downfall.

Not to mention, it doesn't really capture Caesar's desire to spill human blood anymore. He's kind of mellowed out and changed his tune in this film. If you watched the ending speech from Conquest, you'd know Caesar's ultimate goal was to rise up and tear down human society and instill an ape society in its place. All of a sudden here, Caesar's will is to co-exist with humans. I think this movie actually follows the re-cut ending of Conquest, in which Caesar mellows out and reneges on his bloodlust. It isn't, in my view, an accurate portrayal of the events as they would have transpired. Plus like, I didn't care for Kolp as the top bad guy of the humans. He was a side character in Conquest and kind of disappeared by that movie's end... to have him as a surviving member of Governor Breck's troupe. Both Hari Rhods (MacDonald in Conquest) and Don Murray (Breck, in Conquest) refused to reprise their roles for this film, so they kind of had no choice in picking a follow-up villain. I guess Kolp it had to be.

"I'm just going to leave these words plastered on this blackboard
for all you all to see... call it a need for a constant reminder, given
the shit I've seen, so far."

Roddy McDowall also is back as Caesar in what would be his final film portrayal of an ape in these films. Having appeared in four of the five movies, sans Beneath, this was definitely his franchise and he  led it quite well. He was a brilliant actor and I enjoyed watching him in all these films. While Battle marked his final film appearance as an ape, he did star in a short lived Planet of the Apes TV series that came out afterwards. Unfortunately, it only ran for fourteen episodes the following year in 1974, failed to find a following and was cancelled soon after. In the series, McDowall played "Galen", a young chimpanzee that is sent by Zaius, played in the series by Booth Colman, to ensure the safety of two humans that have survived a crash landing on Earth. It's the third ape that McDowall played, and yet he looks like a distant cousin of Cornelius and Caesar... but you can tell McDowall didn't care, he was just happy to be involved. That's all I'll say about the Planet of the Apes TV series, as I haven't watched it.

To conclude and rank the five original Planet of the Apes movies in order, worst to best, and rank them... I would put Escape at number five, only for its lack of action and gripping storytelling throughout eigthy freakin' minutes of runtime... Beneath is at four for its bizarre storytelling that took what was established in the first film and radically run a completely different wayward direction with it. Battle I would place at three, as while I do love Roddy McDowall as Caesar, the macguffin quest to find tapes of his parents coupled with a lackluster villain in Kolp and Aldo make for a not-so-interesting cast of supporting characters he surrounds himself with. Conquest is an easy two, Roddy plays Caesar so well and the action, suspense, and drama coupled with the gruesome imagery and violent uprising make it for one hell of a ninety-minute revolt... and naturally, the original Charlton Heston Planet of the Apes sits comfortably at number one.