Bat-ology: A Review of "Batman Returns"

"I'm here to kill Jokers and hunt Penguins... and I'm all out of Jokers."

So Batman was pretty sick. It was the quintessential blockbuster movie, comic book movie, crime movie, mobster movie and action movie all rolled into one. "Crime" and "mobster" could probably be considered the same thing, but eh. So naturally, a sequel had to be developed and shoved into theaters in a reputable time frame to continue scoring on the Bat-fame. Hey, Batman had usurped Christopher Reeve's Superman films, which I had noted previous had been spiraling downhill in quality throughout the 80s, out of movie theater scene. Batman had also overtaken Superman in popularity in comic book sales. (Thank you, Superman IV, you unapologetic piece of shit).

The only thing that can fix me is a good spray tan.

After Batman, Tim Burton went on and directed Edward Scissorhands. You might've heard about it. This little... well "bizarre" is the nicest way I can put it... movie about a guy, cuts on his face and wacky hair, with scissors as his hands... and that's it, just about a guy with scissors for hands. I never understood the hype and love for Edward Scissorhands, and I just assumed this was Tim Burton getting free Hollywood playtime to direct whatever he wanted. The only problem is that it was a hit too, so when Warner Bros. contacted Tim Burton about returning to direct a sequel to Batman, they promised him total creative freedom as well, and booooy I still can't tell if Batman Returns is more a comic book Batman movie or just another fucked up Tim Burton movie. It has Batman elements in it, but it still has that strange Tim Burton "presence" to it, including a recycled "sad misfit" story for the Penguin. Let's put it on and figure this out.

I wonder who vacuum seals Selina into her Catwoman
outfit every night before she goes out to fight.

In the prologue, socialites Tucker (Paul "Pee-wee Herman" Reubens) and Esther Cobblepot (Diane Salinger) give birth to a deformed baby boy, Oswald. Disgusted by his appearance and wild demeanor, they confine the baby to a cage and ultimately throw him into the sewer, where he is discovered by a family of penguins at Gotham Zoo. Give this sequence credit, it still replicated a true Batman main title sequence with the Danny Elfman theme returning, so that helps make it feel at home. Thirty-three years later, millionaire Max Shreck (Christopher mothafuckin' Walken) proposes to build a power plant to supply Gotham City with energy, though he is opposed by the city mayor. During Shreck's speech, Gotham is attacked by a disgraced former circus troupe, the Red Triangle Gang. Despite the efforts of Batman (Michael Keaton) to stop the violence, Shreck is abducted and taken to the sewer, where he meets Oswald Cobblepot (Danny DeVito), the gang's secret leader now known as the Penguin. The Penguin blackmails Shreck with evidence of his corporate crimes into helping him return to the surface, and he accepts. So yeah, the Penguin isn't this mobster with a pointed nose that resembles a penguin, he's this deformed bird man who lives in the sewer with a pointed nose, flipper hands, long hair and pale skin. CAN WE HIT IT HOME ANY HARDER, AMERICA? Meanwhile, Shreck's secretary, Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer), discovers the true purpose of Shreck's power plant to drain Gotham of its energy and bring the city under Shreck's control by holding its power needs to ransom. Following a chilling and tense exchange, complete with a fake-out, Shreck pushes her out of a window to silence her, but she survives the fall and vows revenge, taking up the mantle of Catwoman. After cats gnaw on her fingers... so I guess the nine-lives of a cat are transferred via finger-chewing. Not really sure about the science on that one, but hey, I'll give it a shot.

"Tim, we need to do this scene again.
I gotta have more hairspray!"

The Penguin makes his presence known by "rescuing" the Mayor's baby from a staged kidnapping attempt, and requests to be allowed into the Hall of Records to find his parents. Batman's alter-ego, Bruce Wayne, voices his suspicions about the Penguin's true motives, and investigates his background and connection to the Red Triangle Gang. During a meeting with Shreck, Wayne meets Kyle and the two become attracted to one another. In order to remove his enemies, Shreck pushes for the Penguin to run for mayor and discredit the current mayor by having the Red Triangle Gang wreak havoc on the city. Batman intervenes, during a pretty great fight, and meets Catwoman as she attempts to sabotage one of Shreck's businesses; she escapes, but is injured and swears revenge on Batman by allying with the Penguin to frame him for an undiscussed crime. I don't know why revenge on Batman is necessary, when Catwoman could just keep sabotaging Shreck's businesses whether or not Batman shows up.

"Wow, Batman. You dance just like Bruce Wayne!"

As Batman and Catwoman fight and feud in the streets, Wayne and Kyle begin a romantic relationship, and the Penguin abducts Gotham's Ice Princess and kills her, framing Batman for the act, at the same time sabotaging his Batmobile to rampage throughout Gotham (until Batman disconnects the controlling device). I must say, the rampaging Batmobile, all while Batman is subjected to Danny DeVito's hilarious one-liners while he's controlling the Batmobile and crashing into things, is probably my favorite scene in the movie. I just love it every time I watch it. The Penguin also abruptly ends his partnership with Catwoman, who didn't anticipate the murder of the Ice Princess, when she rejects his advances; he attempts to kill her with one of his flying umbrellas, but she survives after falling into a greenhouse. Hey I don't blame her, cats are supposed to eat birds, not have sex with them. Compliments to Burton and his team for getting the science right on that one. So much for that partnership! During the Batmobile rampage, Batman secretly records the Penguin's disparaging remarks about the people of Gotham and later plays them during his next speech, destroying his image and forcing him to retreat to the sewer, where he reveals his plan to abduct and kill all of Gotham's firstborn sons as revenge for what his parents did to him. Now may I say; this is kind of a story one-eighty. Oswald was perfectly fine letting the crime of his parents tossing him into the sewer go as long as he became mayor, but when Batman sabotaged him and ruined his image, he just immediately switched back to this homicidal deformed freak that decided to commit a cruel and inhuman crime. Really made this movie go from eerie and kind of fun to just downright gothic and unpleasant. Some like it, some don't.

"Wow, Bruce! You dance just like Batman!"

At a charity ball hosted by Shreck, Wayne and Kyle meet and discover each other's secret identities. The Penguin quite literally explodes onto the scene and reveals his plan, intending to take Shreck's son, Chip (Andrew Bryniarski) with him, but Shreck gives himself up in his son's stead, showing a human side for the first time throughout this movie. After Bruce overhears the Penguin explaining his plan to the crowd, he runs off and later Batman foils the kidnappings and heads for the Penguin's lair. In another memorable scene, The Penguin gives a speech to his army of penguins, claiming that the Liberation of Gotham has begun. The Penguin attempts to have his army of penguins bomb the city and kill everyone, though Batman and his butler, Alfred, jam the signal and order the penguins to head back to the sewer. Batman arrives and confronts the Penguin. In the ensuing fight, the Penguin falls through a window into the sewer's toxic water. Shreck escapes but is confronted by Catwoman, who intends to kill him. Batman pleads for Kyle to stop, unmasking himself in the process. Shreck draws a gun and shoots Wayne, and then shoots Kyle multiple times, but she survives and electrocutes herself and Shreck with a stun gun, causing a massive explosion. Wayne, who was wearing body armour, finds Shreck's corpse but Kyle is nowhere to be found. The Penguin emerges from the water, but eventually dies from his injuries and from the toxic sewage, and his penguin family lay his body to rest in the water. In the aftermath, as Alfred drives him home, Wayne sees Kyle's silhouette in an alley but only finds her cat, who he decides to take home with him. The Bat-Signal appears in the sky as Catwoman, who survived, watches on...

"Penguin, why are you choking me and why are you kinda hard?!"
"Don't you kink-shame me, Batman!"

So, I actually like Batman Returns, but I gotta say... it isn't as good as Batman. A lot of people like it, too. Hell it's my brother Caleb's favorite out of all of the Batman movies, including the first one. It's got Michael Keaton returning for his second and final portrayal of the caped crusader, and he's just as awesome as ever, but he takes a backseat in his own movie to the villains. Batman Returns is fun-ish, but it's moreso extremely edgy and weird, pushing the boundaries of a family comic book action film into the depths of a psychological thriller, more-so. It's bizarre scenery and side characters are both very Tim Burton-y, and there were some dark, dark story choices... including having the Penguin plot to kidnap and drown (you know, murder) the first born children of Gotham. While I love this movie, that is a little twisted to depict the plotting of. He even pantomimes in a scene how he's going to lure the children over to the poisonous lagoon before he kills them. I can see why parents were outraged at the violence and morbid subject matter with the movie, and Happy Meals even pulled their tie-in campaign with the film. Production personnel even tell stories of going to the movie and when the lights come up, children were crying as their parents were trying to console them. Pretty messed up.

As for the villains, there isn't any question that Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer, as well as Christopher Walken, steal the show together. They steal it a little too hard, as Batman is almost a side-character in every scene or sometimes, not even at all. He's kind of just there half the time, watching the other villains tear themselves apart through betrayals. He does foil a couple of the Penguin's plans, so it's not like he's entirely useless, but hey, you can tell Tim Burton likes telling the story of the sad misfit trying to find his place in a world that doesn't want him... this movie is very much in vain of Edward Scissorhands.

So for Batman Returns, I say it's a decent follow-up to Batman. It was the last for Tim Burton, last for Michael Keaton, and the last of the really good Batman movies of the nineties. I still like it a bunch, but it certainly is not without it's flaws.

Bat-ology: A Review of "Batman" (1989)

I could shoot Joker more affectively if I could TURN MY FREAKIN' HEAD.

You're probably thinking to yourself "Cody... please stop talking about Tim Burton's Batman. This is the third blog post you have dedicated to it. We get it... Michael Keaton is a great Batman and a great Bruce Wayne, and his performance holds up by today's standards and has even inspired almost everybody that has come along since him. We get it... Jack Nicholson's epic portrayal of Jack Napier and the Joker is a cinematic cornerstone that shaped the way comic book villains are portrayed, despite the fact he was just playing Jack Nicholson dressed like a brightly-tinted gangster in clownface. We get it... Michael Gough's gentlemanly portrayal of Alfred is even legendary despite the fact he's just a side character. We get it... the gothic atmosphere by Tim Burton and architecture by production designer Anton Furst create an awe-inspiring, somehow-chilling and absolutely captivating setting to place a Batman story that many comics, video games and even movies would follow. We get it... Danny Elfman's iconic score including "The Batman Theme" has shaped what we feel when we hear the music and it gives Batman more of a commanding presence than he's ever had before or arguably even since. We get it. Now stop talking about it. Please. For the good of your soul, man."

Well too bad, because I'm going to. This is Batman.

As soon as I massacre Gotham City,
I'm going to McDonald's!

After at triumphant main-title march, we start off... oddly enough... in Gotham City. As the City approaches its bicentennial, Mayor Borg (Lee Wallace) orders district attorney Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams) and police Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) to make the city safer. What an intrepid order! Why didn't we think of that before? It's only the city's leading district attorney and top police official. What the hell else were they doing? Meanwhile, reporter Alexander Knox (Robert Wuhl) and photojournalist Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger) begin to investigate rumors of a vigilante nicknamed "Batman" who is targeting the city's criminals. Batman's alter-ego is Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton), a billionaire industrialist who, as a child, witnessed his parents' murder at the hands of a psychotic mugger. At a fundraiser for the bicentennial in Wayne Manor, Bruce meets and falls for Vale, and the two begin a romantic relationship. Off to a weird start, though, because initially he doesn't tell her he's Bruce Wayne... but then informs Robert Wuhl in front of her that he is Bruce Wayne... I guess he lies often but people don't care because he's looooooaded. Anywho, there are Bat-jinks to get into as the evening is cut short when Bruce is alerted to Commissioner Gordon's sudden departure by his butler Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) due to police business and leaves to investigate as Batman.

That's one great painting... I mean, city.

Mob boss Carl Grissom (Jack Palance), who is targeted by Dent and Gordon, discovers his mistress Alicia (Jerry Hall) is having an affair with his second-in-command, Jack Napier (Jack Nicholson). With the help of corrupt police lieutenant Eckhardt (William Hootkins... "Porkins" from Star Wars), Grissom engineers Napier's death in a raid at Axis Chemicals. However, Grissom's plan is foiled with the sudden arrival of Commissioner Gordon, who wants Napier captured alive. Batman arrives, dispatches a few thugs and witnesses Napier, who has realized he was set up, kill Eckhardt. The entire raid on Axis Chemicals is a pretty great scene. Some legendary Batman work here. In the ensuring struggle, Napier's cheeks are sliced up by a shot from his own gun and stumbles off a ledge. Batman attempts to save Jack, but instead accidentally drops him into a vat of chemicals. Batman escapes and Napier is presumed dead. The way the scene plays out, it looks like Batman intentionally lets go after recognizing him... but we'll get to that.

Napier emerges from the vat, but is left disfigured with chalk white skin, emerald green hair, and a rictus grin from the severed nerves in his face. The sociopathic Napier is driven insane by the incident and begins calling himself "the Joker". He kills Grissom and usurps authority over his criminal empire, and scars Alicia's face to equal his disfigurement. You'd think this would make her Harley Quinn... but it doesn't. Harley wouldn't get invented until years later. Sorry, women-of-the-internet-who-idolize-Harley-and-no-one-else. Anywho, the Joker terrorizes Gotham City by lacing hygiene products with "Smylex", a deadly chemical which causes victims to die laughing with the same maniacal grin as the Joker. How does Jack know so much about chemistry? Well there's a brief mention as Bruce orders police records on Napier and reads them out loud... which I guess billionaire recluses just have access to police records, but okay. As Joker searches for information on Batman (whom he blames for his disfigurement), he also becomes obsessed with Vale. Even though he already has a bride that he's scarred to make like him... but eh. He lures her to the Gotham Museum of Art and his henchmen destroy the works of art. In another brilliantly crafted scene, Batman arrives and rescues her. They escape in the Batmobile, Batman's badass car, pursued by the Joker's men. Batman takes Vicki to the Batcave, where he gives her information from his research on Smylex that will allow the city's residents to avoid exposure to the toxin.

FUN FACT: The 1989 Batmobile was built on the
chassis of a Chevrolet Impala. Why did you need to
know that? I don't know.

After prodding from Alfred, Bruce visits Vicki at her apartment, prepared to tell her about his alter-ego. The Joker interrupts their meeting, asking Bruce, "You ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?" before shooting him. Bruce uses a bended serving tray as body armor and plays dead... which is a stretch to say the least. Unless there's something I'm missing, I'm not sure that could stop a bullet. He remembers that the mugger who killed his parents asked the same question, and realizes that Napier was his parents' killer, in probably one of the movie's most angering twists to comic book fans. Oh hey... speaking of angering twists annoyed by comic book fans, Vicki is brought to the Batcave by Bruce's butler, Alfred, who has been coaxing their relationship because Vicki brings out Bruce's human side. Thanks Alfred, your flight back to England and termination papers are on your nightstand. After telling her that he cannot focus on their relationship with the Joker terrorizing Gotham, Bruce departs as Batman to destroy the Axis plant, ending the Smylex production.

Betcha Ben Affleck wishes his plane looked like this.

 In the movie's thrilling climax, the Joker lures the citizens of Gotham to a parade with the promise of free money, but while throwing cash at the crowd as promised, also attacks them with Smylex gas released from his giant parade balloons. The comic book adaptation of this movie explains that it is fake money with his face on the front, alluding to earlier when he tells Vicki he just wants "his face on the one-dollar bill". Batman arrives and tows the balloons above the clouds with the Batwing, in one awesome sequence. I'm not kidding; the music and pacing of this scene are truly masterful. It all ends when the Joker shoots the Batwing using a long-barreled gun, causing it to crash, and takes Vicki to the top of a cathedral. In a scene obviously heavily inspired by a little production, you might've heard of it, called THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, Batman, who survived the crash, ascends to the top of this dark, gothic cathedral belltower and fends off the Joker's remaining men, and confronts the Joker. The two fight, with Joker eventually gaining the upper hand, leaving Batman and Vicki clinging onto an outcropping. The Joker tries to escape by helicopter, but Batman attaches a heavy granite gargoyle to the Joker's leg with his grappling hook, causing him to lose his grip and fall to his death after it breaks off.

Some time later, Commissioner Gordon announces that the police have arrested the Joker's men and unveils the Bat-Signal, Batman's gift to the police to summon him when he is needed. Harvey Dent reads a note from Batman, promising that he will defend Gotham whenever crime strikes again, calming the Warner Brothers' execs by verbally ensuring more sequels. Vicki is taken to Wayne Manor by Alfred, who tells her that Bruce will be a little late. She responds that she is not surprised, as Batman looks at the signal's projection from a rooftop, standing watch over the city to some of the best outro music ever composed, capping off a simple, but truly classic and legendary film.

"Bruce, may I say I'm sickened by your secret life as Batman."
"Vicki, may I say your perfume is captivating."

From the opening credits showing the Warner Bros logo to the end with Batman standing on the cathedral's roof, gazing at the Bat-Signal in the night sky, this movie is iconic. I can't really state what I've already stated in previous posts, but I guess I must reiterate or otherwise this post won't have such a great ending. The score is iconic, I encourage you to stream it on Spotify or whatever your musical streaming service of choice, is. Michael Keaton's performance as Batman is so great that I've described it on at least three previous blog posts that I can think of. Jack Nicholson's performance, on the other hand, I've mellowed out on... especially after having seen Joker. He's basically just playing Jack Nicholson, but you more-or-less forget with all the tasteless and bizarre humor he throws our way. Vicki Vale, while a decent love interest, is kind of ultimately forgetful. Sorry, Kim however-you-say-it. While Commissioner Gordon's actor is lackluster compared to Gary Oldman, whom we'd get in Chris Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, Michael Gough's gentlemanly British performance of Alfred is so far, the greatest we've gotten. Not to diss Michael Caine, except... yeah. Lastly, Billy Dee Williams is a Two-Face I'm sad we never got, but the scenes he's in as Harvey Dent, he does really well too!

Newcomer director Tim Burton, who by then had only done Pee-wee's Big Adventure and Beetlejuice (also with Michael Keaton), sets the tone wonderfully for his future films as well as future Batman adventures with this movie... minus all the Prince music which makes the movie feel dated. There's not just one... but two sequences set to Prince songs. Uh...  BUY PRINCE's ALBUMS, I guess. By today's standards, including after The Dark Knight, opinions have soured a little bit, or maybe not soured but certainly they've mellowed out. I still think this movie holds up, and it still remains my favorite Batman film of all-time, one of my favorite comic book movies of all-time and one of my favorite overall movies of all time. It's truly that great to me. I encourage you to watch it if you haven't seen it already. If you're a Bat-fan, you're going to realize where a lot of dark and brooding adaptations of Batman that have come since 1990 were getting their ideas from. This movie inspired so much, including the entirety of Batman: The Animated Series that you literally can't go wrong.

But while this movie was just the right amount of dark, it turns out that Batman movies can go plenty darker... and weirder... and more unpleasant.