Ranking the "Halloween" Movies: #9 - "Halloween: Resurrection"

As Octoberfest continues, so does our Halloween...er...fest.

#9 - Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

"Evil Finds its Way Onto the Internet. Murder For Your Viewing Pleasure."

Moving right along on our list, we get 2002's Halloween: Resurrection in the #9 spot. Halloween Resurrection is a pretty terrible movie, and an even worse Halloween movie. It stars Bianca Kajlich, Tyra Banks, Busta Rhymes, that kid from American Pie, and Jamie Lee Curtis for about fifteen minutes. That's about it. I hope you enjoyed my review. Don't forget to...oh fine, I'll review it the normal way.

Michael Myers 

Alright, so being the eighth freakin' movie in this then-twenty-four-year-old franchise, you gotta think that things were getting pretty stale by this point. How many times can Michael come back? How many times will Jamie Lee Curtis run out of money and agree to do another one of these? Why in the name of hell were Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks invited? The movie certainly was a mixed bag of confusion during development and even now nearly fifteen years after its release, it surely hasn't felt any clearer in terms of what they were going for and what we ultimately got. Basically speaking, the plot is this:

Following the events of Halloween H20, Laurie Strode is locked in an insane asylum because as it turns out, she killed the wrong guy. Yes, the would-be end-all ending that H20 had was ruined by them rehashing the franchise for monetary gain and then realizing they had to come up with some ham-handed way for Michael to survive a beheading. So Michael returns, having posed as a paramedic to escape the previous onslaught, and chases Laurie to the roof of her nut house and kills her. Boom! A near thirty-five year old character is killed within fifteen minutes. I hope you enjoyed her inclusion, because the rest is a cross between an MTV banquet, American Pie, and Halloween.

What kind of summary is that, you ask? Well, the movie is split into two parts that aren't equal in length. In fact I'm pretty sure the whole movie was going to be about Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes but they shoehorned Jamie Lee Curtis into it for marquee value. Michael returns to kill his sister again (because he just can't get it right). How did he survive? Well, it's explained that Michael woke up from being knocked unconscious in Halloween H20, crushed the larynx of a paramedic so he conveniently couldn't talk, and then changed outfits with him. So the guy Laurie beheaded at the end of H20 was a paramedic, which is why now she's in a mental ward.

Busta Rhymes is the hero. You think about that.

Michael shows up at this mental ward to murder her. There's a brief chase to the roof where Laurie goes to unmask Michael to keep from making the same mistake twice. Question: Laurie has never seen Michael's adult, unmasked face. How is she going to know if it's him or not? But I digress. Michael basically grabs her during this and they go flying off a roof. Laurie gets impaled on Michael's knife and falls to her death. That's the end of her character. I hope you enjoyed it, because the next hour and a half is about teens who were rejected from Date Movie who get stalked by a serial killer who's gotta be in his fifties by now.

The rest of the movie is sort of take on the found-footage genre, with each character wearing a camera that broadcasts over some kind of online reality show where they spend Halloween night inside the childhood home of Michael Myers. So it becomes sort of like Aliens, but without the action. The show is hosted by Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks. That's one of my gripes. These two are so out of place in this movie that is almost hurts. Busta Rhymes can be hilarious at times though, so at least his character's got some redeeming qualities. As a whole, they feel out of place. Busta Rhymes not being afraid of Michael and fucking kung-fu fighting him is ridiculous to say the least. Tyra doesn't even get an on-screen death, at least not in a scene that was kept in the movie. One of my favorite scenes is when he's dressed as Michael Myers and he runs into the real Michael Myers. Instead of freaking out or running away, he thinks Michael's one of his film crew members and berates him, even poking him on the head repeatedly. The best part? Michael doesn't even kill him! Michael just turns around and leaves. Like...what the fuck?

Michael's killing gallery

The kids are nothing to shout about. The only one who's mildly interesting is Sara. The rest are recycled from an MTV game show crowd. Jim and Rudy are okay, but the rest just suck or aren't very interesting. Obviously, I love Thomas Ian Nicholas, so he's excused from any and all trashing. (You're welcome). Katie Sackhoff's character plays the tamest college slut you'd ever meet. It almost becomes the standard "bad horror" movie scenario where you root for Michael because you want to see some of these fuckers get the axe. I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh, right! Deckard! Deckard is Sara's pen pal and is basically unrelated to any of the core group of characters. Deckard goes to a college party and, I guess because he's kind of a dork, boots up a PC in another room and watches the broadcast of the other college kids in Michael's old house. Throughout the climax of the movie, Deckard keeps IM'ing Sara Michael's location and where to hide. Deckard's the reason any of those people make it out alive. Deckard is the true hero of the film.

The standard themes of the Halloween franchise are somewhat salvaged. In fact, Halloween: Resurrection gets my compliment for reusing the same Myers house as the previous films, and not rebuilding it into a completely different house and breaking continuity like a twig (*cough* Halloween 5 *cough*). Michael's mask, I think, also looks cool. It pays homage to the previous films as well as adds more defining features and makes it its own. The set design is very superb as well, especially in the Myers house itself. I guess you can say that the Myers house itself is a point of pride for the film.

Tyra Banks is stalked by the runner-up of America's Next Top Model

So you want to talk about the end? Good God, this movie's ending. So the final fight takes place in the Myers garage. Michael stalks Sara into the garage where she's hiding, but she finds a chainsaw and revs it up to fight him. After a couple of jabs at Michael, which don't cut him up or anything, the chainsaw dies on her. So then as Michael's getting ready to kill her, in comes fuckin' Busta Rhymes, spouting "trick or treat, motherfucker!" and proceeding to get into a kung-fu style fight with him. Michael does his usual head-tilt and stare, just before Busta goes into several styles of kung-fu fighting, and he wins. Busta Rhymes kicks Michael Myers's ass. Michael stabs Busta and then goes in for the kill, but Busta wakes up at the last possible second, grabs a nearby electrical cable, and jolts Michael Myers in the BALLS. Michael then stumbles backwards, gets tangled up and electrocuted as the garage burns down and Sara and Busta escape. Michael Myers, one of the greatest horror icons of the 70's and 80's, dies by getting kung-fu kicked around and tazed in his nutsack by Busta fucking Rhymes as his house burns down. That is some jaw-dropping shit. He's later brought into the morgue where a doctor prepares to operate on him, but he opens his eyes at the last second and movie ends, setting up a sequel that thankfully never happens.

Halloween: Resurrection, together with its cliche, uninspired title, is cliche and uninspired. It tries to be new age by including the internet broadcast and IM'ing aspects, but ultimately remains stale and recycled with its kills, situations, characters and dialogue. The legendary Laurie Strode character is laughably misused and killed in a time frame utterly insulting to her character. Michael Myers is rendered totally not-frightening or scary when getting kicked around by a rap artist spewing action catchphrases. Being directed by the same guy who directed the original Halloween II in 1981, you wonder where the train went off the tracks. If it weren't for the lousy jump moments, it's really not even a horror film. It's a comedy. It makes you jump if it's not already making you piss your pants as you're laughing your ass off.

Never fear. Halloween II (2009) makes Halloween: Resurrection fucking look like The Godfather.